Gosh, I haven’t spoken your name in years. The few times you cropped up, you were referred to as The Terrorist (no offence). I’m not sure if I needed to use a moniker because I still kept space for you in my heart or if I subconsciously deleted those 14 months of my life and couldn’t remember your *actual* name. Either way, you have surfaced a few times and so it’s time to write you a letter…
You offered me a handful of lessons; To focus on just one is a bit of a challenge. I knew better. You knew better. You couldn’t help yourself. You embraced my honesty as a challenge. I knew before I knew but I allowed it to happen anyways. My rookie move was giving you my heart after acknowledging you were incapable of handling it.
We met during a transition. You were a lesson to focus inward. I was supposed to focus on me. My USA road trip was my chance to get lost in my world. Be present and observe my emotions. Make sure my cup of love was filled so I could be of maximum support to my mommabear through her transition. Half of my family is completely insane so you were a welcomed distraction. I really needed to be an adult but I wanted to continue galavanting around the world. Being an adult (to me) is confronting my family ‘stuff’ head-on. Everyone thinks I’m confrontational but really, I do my best to avoid certain situations at all cost. My 2014 breakdown was because you were essentially the same evil as my father. I’m not blaming you as it was the Universe telling me to do the hard thing. The hard thing is to focus inward. Stop helping others and help myself.
I ignored the messages from the Universe and leaned into my emotions. I should have been observing them. Before I knew it I fell in love with you. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment to your ‘suaveness’ or a compliment to my ability to love unconditionally. Most likely it was an addiction to cortisol and a trauma bond (just being honest).
Either way, I owe you a massive thank you. I don’t hold any ill will towards you. I actually forgave you years ago. I think forgiveness remains my secret weapon for letting go. Forgiveness and space. (Thank you for respecting my hard boundary for requiring space. My promise still stands, so please, stay in your lane). It wasn’t until recently I was able to fully appreciate the significance of our time together. I knew before I knew but I didn’t know. Ya know?!
The lesson was the inward focus. The tool to translate was Vipassana. I credit you for jump-starting my journey with Vipassana. Due to the chaos in your world, I was forced to find new tools to maintain my peace. You planted a seed to understand a deeper version of myself. I lived my life by blindly following my intuition and now I understand it better. Vipassana helped me reach that understanding. Vipassana is pure. It’s observing the body and mastering the mind. Usually, I’m too busy to get swept into other people’s chaos but being in Be Mode, I have ample time for distractions. I struggle with BE mode. This is where the work of Vipassana really pays off. Be Mode. Accepting that other people’s chaos is not my chaos. I kept attracting other people’s chaos because of my unwillingness to acknowledge [and process] my own. Process, not ignore. Process. You tried to teach me this lesson by being a mirror but my ego was too big. I thought everything was fine in my world. I thought wrong.
Funny enough, because of my ego, I ended up meeting a slightly older version of you last year. Same lesson. *eye roll* So this time, I ended up doing the difficult thing. I decided to acknowledge and process over a decade of family abuse. Daddy-issue type abuse. And a huge foundational piece of this chapter has been Vipassana. And my Vipassana journey started because of you. Full Circle.
So thank you. Thank you for being a person who wiggled into my heart space, flipped things upside down, and forced me to look inward and address my pain. Properly address old wounds. If comparing my 2014 attempt to my 2017 attempt at dealing with teachers, I’m improving… Fewer tears, less intense outbursts, zero flights to remote parts of the world, and fewer *coping* distractions. I did the difficult thing. I stayed the course.
I know myself, mentally. I know myself, physically. And now I understand myself, emotionally.
You knew my heart was pure and I’m just starting to believe it. So thank you. Thank you for planting a seed to get me to focus inward. Thank you for getting me to appreciate the depth & the beauty of my soul.
Thank you for being a teacher.
With love and gratitude,
PS: I hope you don’t mind, I used your apology letter as an example of emotional abuse (manipulation). I still have faith in your ability to be a phenomenal human being. Stay the course. Sending you light & love on your journey.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #JourneyToPeace #GrowthThroughGratitude #LetterToHeal #LifeLessons #Teachers #Gratitude #FocusInward