Breaking the Trauma Bond (Domestic Violence)

I’ve been digesting so much information. The information is useless to my heart. The heart wants what the heart wants. The head can digest the information but the heart doesn’t think, it only feels.

The heart is taught that family is there no matter what. The heart says that everyone deserves love. The heart says the people who are abusive are hurting themselves and need extra love. The heart says the best way to help yourself is to help others. The heart is soft. The heart is why I was trauma bonded for so long.

I had an interesting exchange with a supposed therapist. I fully question her capabilities as her words indicate she comes from theory, not experience. Dealing with mental unwell people (specifically narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths), general rules do not apply. The damage caused is not always seen with the eyes so there is a different need when addressing healing. I personally think this therapist is causing more harm than good. She challenged people to stay with their abuser because it was human purpose to unconditionally love others and the easy thing is to walk away.

Since these words caused a rather intense WTF is wrong with you response within my being. I had to stop, breathe, and ask myself WHY these words were bothering me.

So I do what I do best and ask myself at least 5 times. The short of the long is that I am still breaking my trauma bond with my biological father. Whilst breaking this trauma bond, it’s VERY important to note that any advice/comments are taken with a bit more weight than normal. That’s the double edge sword of healing. Reaching inward for answers but reach out out for validation. Reaching inward for answers and reaching out for validation. The reason for reaching out is because I know that my intuition cannot be [fully] trusted. Scratch that, it’s not my intuition, it’s my heart. My heart cannot be trusted. My heart needs to be put in time-out. My intuition needs to be recalibrated. My head needs rewiring on what is appropriate vs what is not.

Abuse is not appropriate. Ever.

Looking inward, what I concluded is that each time that I refer to someone hurting me as a family member, I’m confronting an entire lifetime’s worth of ‘truths’. When I refer to someone hurting me as an abuser, I’m in alignment with my truth and detached from society truth. It’s OK these are different. Society truths are based on people being decent human beings. Abuse is based on people NOT being decent human beings.

Accepting the concept that a family member is causing harm is not easy to wrap your head around. Healing is a multilayer process. Support groups are essential. When seeking validation on behaviour as being good for you or bad for you, it’s important to hear “it’s not your fault” or “abuse is their fault, healing is your responsibility” or “what happened to you was unacceptable”. Anything short of that is counterproductive. As far as I’m concerned anyway.

Trauma bonding takes time to undo. It takes LOTS of inner work. It’s breaking so many truths that you were fed. It’s going against what you were taught at the core. Breaking this bond is difficult enough (being rational with your heart, *eye roll*). Rewiring your being after abuse is not easy (inner monologue: ‘he didn’t mean it. he loves me. it was a mistake…’). Staying the course when ‘professionals’ are more concerned with building a business than helping you is heartbreaking (inner monologue: ‘if my thinking is in the minority and theirs in the majority, then maybe I AM the problem. Maybe I’m just being too sensitive. I deserved this abuse. I wasn’t good enough. I should not have angered my abuser. It’s my fault…’).

Look inward for answers. Reach outward for validation. To me, validation was a huge obstacle. I stopped doing this but it took a long while to even understand that’s what I was doing.

I would like to start a Better Business Bureau of sorts for therapists. A large warehouse of therapists that are graded on value added. Each person is different and on a different part of their healing journey. Acknowledging abuse is hard. Asking for help is hard. Knowing if you are picking a therapist that will help is hard. What can I do to help make it simple?

Maybe I’ll call the app QUACK ATTACK.

My awareness is higher than some and less than others. I know that my healing journey is progressing because I was fortunate enough to seek out the right help. I leveraged the value-added resources. But is everyone else coming out of the fog just as fortunate?

Domestic Violence is a messed up evil! Breaking the trauma bond with a loved one is acknowledging that they are no longer family when they abuse you. Once they start abusing you, they are an abuser, not family.

Abusers are NOT family. Family does NOT abuse.

If they are abusing you, they are not family. Simple sentence. Rational sentence. VERY difficult concept for the heart to accept. Impossible for some. Rational sentences are useless with emotional beings. It’s a blessing to have love for others. That love can be unconditional just as long as the love of self is unconditional. First and foremost, self-love must be unconditional. And allowing people to abuse you is not being unconditional with yourself.

Abusers are not family. Family does not abuse. (my mantra for the day)

Have a look at Please stop breaking me. Love, Heart It’s a conversation I was having with myself. Rational. Emotional. Rational. Emotional. And everything in between.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #JourneyToPeace #DomesticViolence #DomesticViolenceAwareness #Family #TraumaBond #BreakingTheCycle #BreakingTheSilence #FreeMyself #AwarenessBeforeChange

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