Day 10. Freewriting. Connectedness. Words are so important. Thoughts, words, energy, accomplishments… they are all connected in some way. Everything is important… my morning freewriting (stuff I share on my blog) has been magical to help identify some kinks in my armour. Perfect warm-up exercise for my deep dive into my emotions as well. Last week, I belted out 89k words between targeted writing, email, and social media. That’s basically an entire book worth of thoughts… that’s a BUTTLOAD of writing!! Kind of insane to be honest. My writing muscle is getting stronger and translating my emotions into words is coming with greater ease…
Death is still on the mind. Yes, death.
I’m not afraid of death. I think to be afraid of death means that I have not fully lived. So I’m not afraid of it. I’m not engaging in [physical] risky behaviour and I cannot think of a single regret. Zero regrets. The type of death that I’m slightly consumed with is spiritual death. These killers are called vampires. They are all over the place. Some are stronger than others. Some are blissfully unaware of their leeching. Some just cause a ripple effect of chaos. When I’m in a normal state (freeflow/high vibrations/dismissive of external judgments), the vampires are powerless to me. When I’m in a transition or healing from something, I’m susceptible to damage. Physically and Mentally, I’m indestructible. Emotionally, I am a teddy bear in transition to be a wildebeest. I like the fact that I’m a teddy bear. It’s like being a light tower on a shoreline. Sought after. Protective. Clear. Intentional. Purposeful. Stable. Reliable. Safe. I’ve been a light tower to MANY. I’ve attracted many boats but I’ve also attracted countless bugs… It’s kind of ridiculous the energy I attract, I guess that’s the double-edged sword of being a bright light.
Death makes everything black and white and plants seeds of fear rather than love.
My value-added to the world is using my words to build. Typically, my words give people the warm fuzzies and snap them out of a funk. Their hearts pump a bit harder knowing that they inspired growth in just one person (me) in some way. My kindness is always sincere. It speaks to an important gesture of some sort. Whether the gesture was intentional or not, it helped me in some way.
To date, there have been 3 people who have used my words of kindness as a cover for their bad behaviour. These people thought that my acknowledgement gave them the green light to stop making an effort on the friendship. Or gave them the green light to think that I was not so secretly in love with them. Funny how that works? I use gratitude to help me focus on the good in the world and help highlight the good in others and it comes back in an impure manner.
This is where mental illness comes into play. How can I be upset with someone that sincerely doesn’t think they are doing anything wrong? How can I judge someone on intention? Do my kind words mean that I’m flirting? Is kindness so rare that the moment a girl shows a guy a bit of appreciation, it means more than that? Since when does showing your heart also mean giving your body? But again, I’m speaking to the 3 people of hundreds of letters. A minority but still worth giving a few moments – for reflection sake.
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My heart says to let you back in. It’s my duty. My head says NO WAY. It’s going to kill you, spiritually. The biggest tug of war is between my heart and my mind.
Where is that line between personal responsibility and projecting onto others? People are allowed to make mistakes. Mistakes shouldn’t be repeated. When they are repeated, they are choices. And repeated choices lead to patterns. Patterns reveal character.
The two sayings that keep playing in my head
“One time shame on you, two times shame on me” and “…have a little faith in me”
Both are correct. Which one to follow. Which one is relevant for this instance. Which one will protect me and which one will break me. I know to chose the words that build… but should I be strong enough to help show you how to convert words to break into words to build… Maybe that’s my ego in thinking I can help you. After all, I’m the one with the problem, right?
Your hands are clean…