***I wrote this on November 13th, 2017. It was part of my NaNoWriMo challenge. I shared my waking thoughts for 30 days as an effort to embrace ALL emotions. I’ve been conditioned not to share anything other than smiles and laughter. So I guess I didn’t think I should have shared this as it could easily be interpreted as being judgemental rather than reflective. However, today, I can see with a clear lens that no judgment was intended. It’s a simple ramble on something that was bothering me. And in recent furry of irresponsible emotions of the masses, I thought it was appropriate to shift this entry from “draft” to “published”.***
Day 13. Freewriting. Feeling slightly unstable. Mostly irritated with humanity. I’m pleased that I still have emotions in general – the presence of apathy is a spiritual killer. So being irritated is OK… for today.
A few weeks ago, I was in Chicago brushing up on my HTML / CSS coding skills at a General Assembly intro course. The class had about 15 students. The [new] friend I sat next to was a very talented graphic designer from NYC. Her first 8 months in Chicago were spent as a BNSF commuter, the last year as a local in the loop.
I am currently a BNSF commuter…
We bantered about the commuter life. I laughed at getting stuck inside Union Station during rush hour because all escalators were going down and I needed to go up. I giggled at the speed walkers whilst trying my best to stay out of the fast lane. I felt sad for the grumpy people because of their loooong facial expressions (it was 430pm and they were at the train station rather than an office – I think that constitutes winning at life but the FML look on their faces told a different story). On the opposite side of the spectrum, my NYC coding buddy commented how happy she was to be [finally] living in the city. Her main bragging point was that her commute was not interrupted. ‘Not interrupted?! I asked for clarification.
She elaborated, “When I first moved to the midwest, I was living in Aurora. It was so annoying to take the train. About 6 people over 8 months had committed suicide by jumping on the tracks. I was late to work. They interrupted my commute. They were selfish and caused so many delays!”
I told her that was probably the coldest response I’ve ever heard and my profession is to talk to people!
Sadly, the EXACT SAME sentiments were echoed a few weeks later from an athlete friend (suicide on the tracks being an inconvenience to others).
QUESTION: Based on today’s standards in society, who is branded as being mentally unwell? The person committing suicide OR the people who view the act as an inconvenience to others.
I still apologise when I cry. I keep catching myself and quickly covering the apology with a compliment to myself. ‘Jess, you are a pretty crier.’ My tears are authentic. They are true. It’s perfectly OK to show emotions. I admire my abilities to share my softer side with more ease.
I cannot remember a time when I was allowed to have my own emotions. I was left at the airport due to my volunter “driver” prioritizing getting high over picking me up. Heaven forbid, if I showed anything other than gratitude, I was ridiculed for having impossible expectations. During the adjustment process of my parents’ divorce, I was clearing out some boxes. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I vocalised I couldn’t do anymore. If space needed to be cleared, then I accept my things would get thrown in the trash. No problem. If space was not needed, then I’ll come back and clear everything in a week or so. No problem. I was told I’m counterproductive, controlling, and causing trouble. Navigating impossible situations is a talent. Forcing a poker face was a skill.
During the re-wiring process, there are plenty of situations I review in my head. The intention is to see if I had acted in a different way, how I could have changed the outcome. Other times, it’s to check myself on whether I’m making the same ‘mistakes’. Re-wiring after narcissistic abuse is not an easy feat. I still question my perception of reality. Journaling helps keep things straight and allows me to let go. My issue of letting go is the need to process.
Failure to process certain things results in continued anxiety. I’m not torturing myself. I’m still struggling with convincing myself intentions are not malicious. Sure, others think I’m the reason for the problem. And perhaps they are correct. I represent missed opportunities. I’m a manifestation of all the things they wanted but didn’t accomplish. I get why my existence would cause anger. My unwillingness to accept poor behavior makes me difficult. My need to heal…
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Survivor #SuicidePrevention #DomesticViolence #LoveConquersAll #MakeLoveNotWar #SpreadLove #FaceofDepression #Empathy #NatNoWriMo