Recently, I’ve been asked a few times about my writing process. Well, to be clear a combination of my writing process AND my clarity of self. I take that as a GIANT compliment because my self-image and what is seen are not 100% in alignment, yet. I need to be less harsh on myself and continue to work on my self-esteem.
I am grateful for the positive affirmations. Especially on something that I’m not very confident with… writing.
So this post is going to walk you through my process. I’m slightly obsessed with finding patterns and making things increasingly efficient. Awareness Before Change is the ONLY way for survival. I’m not looking to survive, I’m on a mission to THRIVE. I have proven Thrive mode in Asia and I’m working towards Thrive mode in the USA. Again the difference is proximity to abusers. Being calm IN the storm. Increasing the number of toxic people in my space whilst maintaining sanity (I’m operational at #2 but start to unravel at #3).
My posts are not consistent and sometimes lack simplicity in a message. This is because I do not edit or have anything specific in mind for a post. Tangents are GREAT because it allows me to see where my mind wanders. Tangents give me an opportunity to increase awareness or shed light on something that I had not considered before.
The message from the Universe has been clear that I’m on course.
The topics that I cannot seem to get out of my head are the scene from Pitch Perfect. The head vocal girl had to choke down her barf and then when challenged on being a control freak, she said that she’s able to LET GO. Then released about 100 gallons of barf. That’s basically the image I have of myself with my current emotional releases. It’s messy and if you are in the way, you will get stuff on you. But the beauty is she released something that otherwise would have made her sick, tightly wound, and unable to have meaningful friendships with her singing buddies.
Another image that has been sitting with me a few days is from Good Will Hunting. The scene where Robin Williams repeats IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. to Matt Damon until he cries.
I haven’t figured out WHY these scenes are resonating with me. I’m lying. I totally know. A few days ago, I sent a message to the Universe. I was conflicted. I was thinking about my upcoming race in Italy. I’m not physically prepared for the race and I’m seriously questioning how I’ll make it through the race. Then, I’m reminded that Ironman isn’t about physical capability, it’s about mental resilience. Emotional control. Those are manifestations in physical feats of AWESOME. So putting out vibes to the Universe, my concerns were answered.
Mental Resilience. I know that I’m mentally tough. Right now, I have moments of clarity but still struggle with questioning my value added to society. I can post supportive or inquisitive comments throughout LinkedIn, Facebook or Instagram and get multiple comments or likes. I resonate with others. I’m not alone. Cool. So Robin Williams’s scene is just another way of the Universe reinforcing my situation is NOT my FAULT. BUT It IS MY RESPONSIBILITY to come out of it. So the circle is complete, If I want to succeed in this race, then I need to step up my mental game and just put in the training. As all things, it will get harder before it gets easy.
Emotional control. I basically think I’m a basket case. Intellectually, I know that’s false. The simple fact that I was able to ‘hide’ my abuse for over 13 years is proof that I have the BEST poker face ever. I’m able to go through stuff without telling the world. My life has always appeared magical because it is. Abuse hasn’t defined me and it never will. Sharing my story doesn’t mean I’m broken. It just means I am FINALLY woke. My failure to face the music meant I nearly married a guy that represented the darkest of evil. He’s literally a monster to the world and a lesson to me. He was a distraction I happily (and ignorantly) accepted because I was too weak to deal with processing my family abuse. Grateful I didn’t get pregnant or catch a VD. Not everyone is as lucky…
How do I close the circle of thinking? How do I find the words to share? Well, I’m a ball of emotions so these two things are sitting with me and I’m being asked about my writing process so that’s what this post is about.
Pitch Perfect scene of barfing 100 gallons is representative of my current release. Releasing my emotions doesn’t make me sick. It does NOT make me a basket case. It makes me HUMAN. It reinforces that I have an incredible sense of self and I know my soul requires moments to release. I might not understand why and that’s OK. I’m still trusting my intuition and for now, it says WRITE. Good Will Hunting, “it’s not your fault,” although true, abuse was not my fault, it’s my responsibility to heal. This healing calls for a deep dive and the best way I can think of is emotional (unedited and unplanned) writing. Eventually, my writing will transition from 1k word purges to 6-word poetry. Poetry is interesting because it allows people to convey an emotion without explanation. That’s one of a few goals that I have. Sharing without explanation. To me, it’s more empowering.
So writing is what I will do. A poet is what I will become, maybe.
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Today is the 1 year anniversary of sharing my abuse related writing with the world. I’m still conflicted on sharing my story but more from a how can I empower others? Every person has a story and I’m still trying to find mine. I currently think my TedTalk story is SUICIDE TO IRONMAN. Suicide is relatable but Ironman isn’t. My purpose is to bridge the gap of understanding/grace between people whom have never been abused with those whom have been abused. I’m the connector… so I continue to test material to see how best to connect these worlds. If and when I’m able to find the secret to connecting, then my TedTalk will be the goop during the process of caterpillar to butterfly…
Check out my breaking the silence article. Happy Anniversary to me! The writing journey continues… my voice is getting stronger.
#WhyIwrite #MentalWellness #HappyAnniversary #JourneyToPeace