As I sit in my apartment, I’m easing into a new space. A space I’m familiar with but have not experienced in quite some time. A space filled with light, love, and flow. A space with plants, magical moments, and combustions of giggles. A space with quiet moments to breathe, colourful sunsets to admire, and the ability to have a no pants party at any given moment. A space where all are welcomed as long as they appreciate themselves, thus appreciating me. A space where I’m able to share whatever is in my heart, pause through a moment of overwhelm, and share my thoughts (and emotions) without judgement.
A beautiful space. An intentional space. A space filled with reminders of the love within and love in the world.
What defines a home?
My home has always been a sanctuary. A place to breathe, to be present, to laugh, to think, and to create. A place where I can rest easy. My last home was in Singapore. It was absolutely divine. It was home on so many levels. Embraced and honoured by an emotionally astute housemate. A full refrigerator. Friendly neighbours. Predictability in the sunrise, the birds, and when the gardener watered the plants. Arguably the best years of my life were lived in this home. I enjoy sharing space with others.
Life in transition
When I moved back to the USA, I dealt with reverse culture shock, family violence, becoming estranged from my family, setting boundaries with childhood friends, and countless clean up efforts associated with unethical behaviour of others. The struggle was unnecessary, painful, and exhausting. It lasted a few years. On top of this, I did not have stable housing for almost 2 years. One of the two years, I rented rooms month to month. This was an adventure to check out various parts of the city whilst also being a momentary pitstop to rest. Present day, I have FINALLY arrived to my destination. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.
Today’s sunset was special. Watching the clouds turn from white to grey to purple back to grey. Observing the sky go from light blue to fiery orange to purple. Chimney stacks still giving off consistent burps of smoke. Gentle crackling of my radiator. And the warm embrace of being able to be present in my own space without interruptions. Again, pants are optional.
Oversimplification, I went from being celebrated in Singapore to being completely and utterly misplaced in the USA to carving out my own space where I am once again celebrated. Another full circle moment. I’m surrounded by love because I am love.
Secret ingredient is LOVE
I try not to judge myself when I confuse familiar and kindred spirits. Everyone is allowed in, not everyone gets to stay. It’s important for me to assume pure intentions and then adjust if proven wrong. A dear friend was present. A moment of truth. Familiar or Kindred.
During the evening, I shared something weighing on my heart. I did my best to internally process and finally uttered, “I need to share something with you.”. Presence. Eye contact. A deep breath. Then almost immediately shame for using my voice. A moment to lean in and evaluate if my shame was remnants of my trauma or if there was anything to substantiate feeling this way in this exact moment.
I am in good company. I am loved. I was heard. I was seen. I was asked for a hug. The behaviour acknowledged and an offer to correct. My emotion was quickly converted into laughter.
What I have learned is leaning into these moments becomes easy when I do not have attachment (or expectation) to a certain outcome. It’s simply a moment to share something in my heart. If it’s acknowledged, then my tribe has expanded by one. If not acknowledged, then it’s time for the paths to diverge. Simple in theory, complex in execution. As long as I continue to love myself, these moments become increasingly easy to navigate. Internally, Loving myself gives me strength and acknowledging my love gives me courage. Externally, I’m optimistic whilst also being a seeker of truth.
WHY does this moment matter?
THIS moment is everything. It’s a feeling. It’s a mood. It’s a lifestyle. A few years ago, I put an intention into the world for my retirement goal: The Sacred Space, a bed & breakfast in Italy. On a surface level, this is a place for people to disconnect with the world to reconnect with themselves. On a deeper level, it’s a place filled with love. The chickens are named after Santa’s reindeer. The goats are named Garlic, Onions, Salt, and Pepper. Pictures on the walls will have been collected from years of travelling the world. The bathroom will have language dictionaries because why not learn a few words when sitting on the ‘throne’. The kitchen will have warm bread and a large pot of soup. Ginger & Lemon tea will be on tap. Rolling hills beyond the garden and a bee hive somewhere in between. The stairs will make music when they creak. The stars will dance across the sky. Each corner offers and opportunity to be enchanted. Love conquers all. Most people have the capacity to love themselves, they simply forgot how. Love is a basic human need. An important element on a journey back to self is LOVE. The Sacred Space will hold space for others during this journey.
More than a sunset
As I celebrate the world turning and hear sirens in the distance, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for this moment. This exact moment is an opportunity to breath life into my dream. Take one step closer to creating a space to call home. A place where as soon as you walk in, there are countless things to celebrate. Today, I breathe a breath I have not had in a few years.
The best part, pants are optional. I can take a shower, air dry, have a dance party, and put on pants on my terms. Sunsets are magical. All of these thoughts coming to life as I watch the clouds shift and the colours transform.