My week has been filled with interactions with love bugs. Perhaps I should allow a powerful conversation to stir a bit but as I do, I’m going to open process. My dear friend asked me about my why? Why Chicago? Of all the places in the world, why Chicago?
WHY? – It’s simple. I know what love feels like. I also know what abuse feels like. One of the first rules of recovery is to remove yourself from whatever was destroying you. My ego wants to challenge this concept. My heart needs to be an example, if anything for those unable to remove themselves from whatever is destroying them. For me, domestic violence is what was destroying me. Chicago is where the abuse took place.
WHY? – Slightly more complicated. I’m a firm believer in the saying, ‘you can take the dog out of the fight but you cannot take the fight out of the dog’. Staying in Chicago is proving to myself and others that it’s OK to love your abusers. It’s ok to miss your abusers. Abuse cycles are filled with ups and downs. When things get calm, that’s when the body tries to sabotage itself. Withdrawal. Subconsciously, we look for ways to compromise our continued health and wellness. We are still learning how to be at rest. We are learning how to simply be. Having love for someone that hurt you does NOT mean they are allowed access to you.
WHY? – It’s complicated. Love an abuser? Really, Jess?! Love an abuser. Yes. Everyone has the capacity to abuse others. Until one does the work to acknowledge the abuser within, they will abuse others. I’ve abused others. Others have abused me. The saying, “hurt people, hurt people” is one that is often said to justify or dismiss abusive behaviour. Supporting personal development and healing, a counter saying: ‘the abuser in me would never do anything to cause you harm. I’ve done too much work on myself to allow that to happen.’ I’m able to understand people are doing the best they can. The plot twist is when the behaviour is targeted. If it’s the best they can, then it’s the same ignorant treatment to everyone. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. When it’s targeted, it’s abuse, not ignorant or hurt behaviour. There is a difference.
WHY? – The journey. Being at peace. Accepting myself and others for where they are. Not potential but actual or reality. In this exact moment. As I continue to expand my heart and love myself, I am breaking cycles. I am setting a new standard for future generations. I am creating a path and priotising health. The light cannot exist without the dark. Both are within, it’s not a case of ‘I do this because others did that.’ It’s the battle within. Is the abuser within still causing harm to self?
WHY? – The truth. Last night, I acknowledged a pain in my heart. Over the last 4 months, one of my housemates was testing boundaries. One of the tests was allegedly contacting my family. At first, I was concerned about this for obvious reasons: my safety. My family has tried to kill me so I needed to really ask myself if I was at risk or in harm’s way. Rational vs emotional mind. Then, as I sat with my emotions, I came to realise I have faith in my guardian angels. No matter what, I’m protected. What was I really concerned about? Truth. I was scared of the truth.
What is the truth? In 2017, I asked my mother if I could move in with her. I was about to walk out of an engagement. I realised I almost made a questionable decision with a life partner because I was refusing to deal with what others commonly said was ‘daddy issues’. Moving back to the USA meant I would have to acknowledge the root cause of my issues. Was it really me or something else? If it was me then, how would I address, heal, move through it? For years, I told myself my father/brother never made efforts towards me because I lived on the other side of the world. Moving back to my hometown removed that excuse. Either they show up or they don’t. They did not. I lost half my family in 2017. Or at least accepted truth on where they stood. 2018, I was in the same situation but with my mother. I have been telling myself my mother wasn’t making an effort because she didn’t know where I lived. I was forced to confront this truth. My email is the same. My phone number is the same. My social media accounts remain public. My mother did not make the effort.
The interesting thing about this revelation, yes, I had an emotional release about this… It wasn’t so much me questioning what to do to be a better daughter or sister. It was acknowledging they are doing the best they can do. It’s acknowledging the more work I do with myself, the more it helps me and them. I’m finally at a place to accept the behaviour of others has absolutely nothing to do with me.
People will continue to try and use me, abuse me, or destroy me. What they try vs what I allow will always be different. Always. I was momentarily caught in the crossfire of self-destructive people. Through their self-destruction, I’m blessed with an opportunity to test my healing. Test my growth. Observe where my mind wanders. Observe where my heart sits. And then catch myself; to repeat old habits or stand in my truth. I have been standing in my truth. It’s 2020. My family can easily access me. No one needs to divulge any details. My family made a choice and continues to make a choice. With each passing day, my heart accepts this truth with a bit more love.
My journey continues…