The Universe has been super chatty lately. Or I’ve successfully quieted my internal world to hear the messages. Perhaps, I should give myself more credit go with the latter… I’m in a safe place and surrounded by love. Sometimes others are offering love and sometimes, I’m just love bombing myself. That’s my current vibe for the moment… people are not competing with one another for a spot in my world. They are competing with how I love myself… and my self-care game is starting to be on point regularly. Finally.
Looking back, I’ve gone from not having a voice to using my voice for just about every single time that I have felt slighted. Now I’m stepping into a space of knowing when to use my voice. I’m not proud of the times that I bit back but I forgive myself as it’s part of the process. I’m still re-wiring my core belief system. The pieces are finally coming together. I was getting annoyed with posts about positivity. I was getting annoyed with posts about unconditional love. And it hit me today, my issue is because love was weaponised. Toxic people have used my love, or the love of others, to cause me harm.
Weaponising love is unacceptable.
A few weeks ago, someone told me that I was no longer allowed to openly process with him. I appreciate the boundary being set, the truth shared and can shift my energy towards people that love ALL parts of me. I openly process just about everything. My tribe. My family. My people know when to let me blabber on (most of the time I’m not even looking for a spitfire session or feedback, I just need to voice the tug of war within). To be honest, I enjoy open processing because when I’m talking about the difficult stuff, the simple look on someone’s face tells me everything I need to know. Generally speaking, I’ve dissociated so I am not aware of the extent of hard stuff. I’m mostly in autopilot. It’s not good or bad. I am unable to digest the depth because it’s just another thing to work through. If that makes sense. Even today, I laugh at myself for being able to talk about extremely hard things with a smile on my face. Part is because I’m grateful that I’m here to talk about it and part because when you dissociate, you don’t really understand the depth of pain. Like my father threatening me with a loaded gun. Externally, people will say OMG. Internally, I’m saying, ‘well, he didn’t pull the trigger’ and deep down, it’s too much for me to comprehend that my father is hurting so much that he felt it was acceptable to do such a thing. Blinded by his own pain.
I’m a reformed people pleaser (and reformed enabler). It’s not ok that he’s hurting but that’s for him to sort out. My responsibility is my recovery. I continue to work through my pain. It’s a process.
When love is weaponised. My momma bear has been visiting me the last few nights in my dreams. It’s been taking me every ounce of my being to not pick up the phone. A mentor even suggested that I pick up the phone just to say, “Hello. I miss you and wanted to make sure you are ok?” As much as I would love to claim the strength for that, I’m not at that point (yet). I’m ok with talking to the clouds. I’m also ok with throwing energy into a crystal (thanks for the suggestion). I’m ok with lighting a white candle each night and wishing for her peace of mind and to feel the love of the Universe. She’s still in my daily prayers. What I’m not at peace with is having a conversation about the weather. Or when asked “How are you?” only responding with “I’m good. and you?” I want to share everything. The people I’ve befriended, my house, my kitchen garden, my various hustles. She’s my person and I’m used to sharing everything with her. But I can’t. Her boundary is “do not share anything with me unless you are OK with it being shared with your brother and father.” Reminder: my father tried to kill me. So, yeah…
Does my heart hurt, yeah. My love is pure and so the last 448 days or so has been rough. In the last few years, I’ve been working though quite a bit. Earth angels keep telling me that the more I heal myself, the more healing will take place with others within my family. I’m not sure I understand but it’s worth a shot. Now I have even more motivation to continue my inner work.
My father and brother double teamed my mommabear and weaponised her love. They are masters of creating lose-lose situations. Sometimes I resent my awareness to see this clear as day. Sometimes I’m angry that she allows it. Sometimes I’m hurt by the truth that she prioritises the game playing over protecting me. Most days, my heart hurts as I feel the need to protect her before protecting myself. But each day, I’m offered a decision. And I decide to love. Always choose love. Choosing to love myself is not always easy. It’s a daily practice. I still have inner work to do.
I do not agree with people that have caused me harm. I understand. I do not agree with people that hurt other people. I understand. I do not agree with weaponising love. I understand.
I’m a reformed people pleaser. Love has been weaponised. I’m so incredibly blessed for the magic makers that are helping me redefine love AND those helping me feel loved on a whole new level.
The journey continues…
#Resilience #Recovery #SelfCare #DomesticViolence #InvisibleWounds #EmotionalAbuse #Family #OneDayAtATime