Love Bug Jess without a care in the world

The message that been sitting in my heart the last few days has been REDEFINING family. I’ve mentioned it a few times and now it’s an unshakable part of my world.

I consider myself an expert at building. I’ve built communities and families all around the world. I’ve created a world for myself in China, Hong Kong and Singapore. Coming back to the USA has been one of my most challenging builds. I think mostly because when moving to new countries, it’s building from scratch whereas coming “home” was adding a layer of “do I fix old or let it go”. I don’t handle rejection very well and have realised that it’s because I was still rejecting parts of me. I was betraying myself. I found it immensely difficult to love certain parts of me.

I’m in a constant state of wanting to be loved but not wanting to be around others. People have been trying to control me for as long as I can remember. Anything from flat out saying ‘you cannot do this or that’ to planting subtle seeds of ‘I prefer it when you do this or that’. If you love me, you love ALL of me, not just the parts that are convenient for you. And the control was hardly asking with intention to understand, it was telling with intention to get me to change.

I’m a reformed people pleaser.

My current wave has been interesting. It’s been filled with people that are speaking to my soft points. The points that I’m trying so hard to love. My quirks. Even though I’ve been writing letters of gratitude to myself, there are points that I’m not always aware of. And my current wave is filled with people holding up mirrors. Giggling with me. Loving me so much that I remember to love myself. Honour myself. Celebrate myself.

Last weekend, it was in terms of a discussion of masculine & feminine energy. I felt masculine and others spoke (and saw) my feminine. It feels nice to be seen.

Throughout the week, it’s been drawing pictures of hearts on the mirror and my housemates drawing smiley faces inside the hearts and then pacman eating the ghost. It feels nice to be seen.

Currently, it’s people that I’ve shared a few insecurities with that are supporting me by  asking what I need. Sometimes, I’m not sure what I need so it’s nice to be asked. It feels nice to be seen.

I’m all up in my feels this morning. Just tickled to know that I’m cultivating a tribe. I’m finding my family. The last few seasons have felt incredibly lonely. I very much enjoy my own company. Family has been a huge part of my world that without it, I felt my life lost meaning. I know this is not true but that’s how I’ve been feeling. And so knowing that each day, I’m getting closer to building, closer to finding, closer to being seen by the right people. People that hold space for my authentic self to come out and play. The love bug Jess that doesn’t have a care in the world.

The fighting Jess needs to rest. And rest only comes when family shows up. And I am starting to trust that I’m finding my family. My heart is so full right now.

My heart still hurts for the tremendous loss of my momma bear. I miss her very much. Working through this pain is manageable because of the presence of some incredible people that are pulling me into their tribe and being present to be part of my family. My redefined family.

The journey continues…

Emotional wellness spot-check: this is where I was last year.

#Resilience #Recovery #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #OneDayAtATime #Family

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