Rewiring after narcissistic abuse takes time. It takes a LOT of self care. It can be exhausting to figure out who to trust and then realise that it’s not about trusting others as much as trusting yourself. It’s about consistently needing to qualify your intuition as you really cannot tell the difference between butterflies and danger. It still feels the same.
Sometimes it gets overwhelming with questioning humanity. Most days it honestly seems like everyone is a predator. And just when my walls start to come down, some manchild reminds me WHY I have walls to begin with. It’s a process. A massive process.
My saving grace has been the ability to call out what I classify as poor behaviour and continue to stand in my truth, at all costs. All.costs. Narcissists back down (whilst usually throwing out insults). Psychopaths challenge (it’s a game to them). Healthy people ask how to adjust and support by actually adjusting. It’s super simple. Life is super simple.
It took me the better part of a year to successfully implement & maintain healthy boundaries with family. I’m pretty good with implementing in other aspects of my world. Sometimes I still sidestep. Sometimes I trust the wrong people. Being gentle with myself, I honour myself for giving others the opportunity to share their truth. Again, it’s a process. I don’t live with regrets because any side step is just my ego winning in the tug of war between head and heart. My heart wants to believe that people are healthy, my mind knows most are not. I’m in a season of PROVE IT… perhaps even to myself.
My current flow of manchildren are in the medical field. You’d think that doctors, nurses and the like would be more mindful but the reality is this wave is filled with mindFULL people. hahaha. Manchildren looking for a toy. I am the perfect target on a few levels. Physically, I look good on someone’s arm and manchildren love to have things that make them look good. Emotionally, I’m still working through a season of trauma and do not trust myself when it comes to romantic endeavours. Manchildren love to prey on people going through a healing journey as healing people oftentimes forget what they deserve and are grateful for crumbs of affection. It’s super easy to manipulate people that are healing. Mentally, I’m fairly switched on so it becomes a challenge of can I spot the dysfunction before they decieve me. Or in other words, a game of cat & mouse. Manchildren love thinking they are more clever than those they prey on.
On one level, it’s comical. On another level it’s disheartening. Not for me but for them. Manchildren are so broken that rather than fix themselves, they need to prey on others. And to top things off, they have access to all the best medical practices known to man (western world context) and still go out and play. I think it’s a sad world they live in. From trying to send messages before a shower, blabbering about dick machines to curb errectile dysfunction all the way to 10pm text messages asking for my address and a cuddle session because well, cuffing season is about to start?! Traditionally, objectification has been a soft point in my world. To be fair, knowing this is the current wave in my world speaks more to my wellness than anything else. Why is my focus on them?
In addition to these manchildren, I also have decent men sprinkled in my life. Men that don’t turn things sexual. Ever. There are no ‘jokes’ about what I taste like or crude gestures. They don’t answer a video chat by exposing their penis. And most importantly, they don’t plant seeds that have no business being in my garden. So who are these decent men… let me expand…
Decent men in my world. They are sharing links to support one of my many goals. They are commenting and resharing my content (I launched a coaching business and most of my business is referral based so engagement and resharing is always appreciated). They call me to say hello. Not to meet up but just to check in. They make me laugh at little things and celebrate my quirks… a recent conversation asked about Oscar (a house mouse that I named during a recent journey to catch and relocate a furry friend). Decent men offer to pick me up at a nearby location rather than my house (they acknowledge that I take time to trust). Sometimes the decent men even remember to bring me a slice of my favourite fruit. I love decent men. They exist. My life is in abundance. My life has duality. My life has more decent than manchildren… sometimes it’s easier to fight the injustice than it is to honour the peace. And recognizing the need to ‘fight the injustice’ is revealing one of my triggers… I need to remind myself that karma will serve these manchildren exactly what they deserve.
I am seen. I am loved. When I’m focused on the manchildren, I’m subconsciously working through my engrained trauma bond. I’ve been conditioned to accept this merry-go-round behaviour. And each time that I even allow it into my space… it’s me struggling to break the cycle. It’s me doing the work. Awareness before change.
I’m in a season of healing. Anyone that tries to compromise that is a manchild. I wish they would focus on their own healing rather than step in my lane… I cannot control them. I can only control me. Each person is brought into my world teaches me where to love myself just a bit more. And for that, I can appreciate the manchildren whilst maintaining healthy boundaries. And when it comes down to it, sometimes burning a bridge is simply so crazy cannot follow me.
Manchildren are not welcomed into my world, ever.
#Love #Resilience #HealthyBoundaries #OneDayAtATime #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #DomesticViolence #Trauma #Recovery #SelfCare #Cuffing #BreakingToxicCycles