What seeds are being watered? What truths are being accepted? What story am I telling myself today?
Valid questions that deserve time for pause. Or time for action. But really, it’s a moment to reflect. I trust the Universe. I trust myself. I trust that things are far more magical than I give credit. I’m in a transition. I love transitions (mostly). I’m in a space where I’ve been trying to settle a studio in Chicago. During this transition, I’ve realised that I have a few dings on my credit. The actual credit number is reasonable. Each credit bureau says something different and 2 of three refused to acknowledge that I am me when I opened disputes. I’m blessed that I do not have any outstanding debt. I’m blessed that things are relatively stable. I’m annoyed that with each inquiry (dispute), I learn of something new. Not surprising, but new. People that have used my SSN for things. Why? I’m not sure and I’m not interested. I assume it’s just to be annoying. Again, my family is dysfunctional and define love very differently. When they think they are doing something productive, I think it’s harmful. And vice versa. I think that each person is given their own SSN so they can do stuff with their own number, not mine. But hey, family is family, right? In the name of domestic violence, I’m not actually a person to my family. I’m simply a tool. A tool that is only useful as long as I’m providing value. My value stopped once I moved back to the USA. I say this because it means that I HAVE TO USE MY OWN SSN FOR ME. And 2 people cannot use the same SSN. Imagine that?
Stressed? I would say disappointed, hurt, and annoyed. Not so much stressed. Disappointed to be reminded that my family cares about my SSN, but not me. Hurt as this is just another reminder of the depth of dysfunction. Annoyed because now I have to decide whether or not I need to hire a lawyer for clean up. Hiring a lawyer for clean up would make me look aggressive and bring people into my world (legally) that I have zero interest in dealing with (voluntarily). It’s another lose-lose situation. I’m a low key master of creating solutions for lose-lose situations. Have you met my family? Did you know I’m a seasoned PR professional… on a global scale. hahahaha. (this is when I tell myself to send my family a letter of gratitude for the amazing training field and teaching me how to act like a duck).
During this processing, I wanted to detach from self. I wanted to run away. I wanted to just start over. I was tired of clean up. I was overwhelmed with truth. I didn’t want to address this ‘stuff’ anymore. I was tired. I wanted nothing more than to use my passport.
Rather than give up, I acknowledged where I was, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I took inventory on self. I asked self, “What do you need right now?” I decided to be my own hero. I did a reset. Time and space. Time and space.
My road trip to Florida was useful as it forced me to stay connected to self. It held space for me to do me. Whatever was in my heart. Watching sunrises. Meeting kindred souls. Dancing in nature. Talking to squirrels. Quiet sunsets. Picnics on the lake. Naps. My goodness did I take a few naps. It was glorious. Perfecting driving conditions. In flow with self and with the Universe.
Back to Chicago and taking things as they come. Starting with things that I can control. Putting myself out there for interviewing for housing. Being painfully honest with my situation. If I get rejected, then it’s not my place. If accepted, then I found my path. Going from a handful of rejections (without feedback is difficult because I didn’t know what to ‘fix’) to having 3 solid offers in hand (and actively processing disputes with credit bureaus). I picked a housing situation that resonated in my heart. Another step towards creating a safe place to be me. A place for healthy (continued) growth. A place for being. A place for sharing all sides. Also a place to cry in the shower (old habits die hard). But mostly a place to create. A place to nest. A place to call home. A place with other people that can reinforce what it means to be healthy. I have such a strong (and healthy) community in Asia and building the same in the USA has come with a certain set of challenges. I’m finally hitting my stride of healthy surroundings. Transitions are painful. Transitions are also beautiful.
This week is beyond powerful. It’s signing, exchanging, and moving. It’s building, breathing, and balancing. It’s acknowledging that at this exact moment, I wanted nothing more than to live in a studio by myself and the Universe has brought me something so much better. A backyard garden. A housemate that just knows. Another housemate (potential) that spent time in Asia. I much prefer travelled people… mostly heart-led simplicity. A month ago, I was holding onto an idea of a studio = being an adult. And I’ve been upgraded to a community. Perhaps even another branch of my redefined family has been revealed. People that do not try to solve problems but hold space for me to address my own… without judgement.
Let’s see how this chapter unfolds. I’m hopeful, humble, and continue to be heart-led.
The journey continues…