I’ve wanted to start this a few times. At first, I was completely content just allowing the sun to shine on my face and walk through neighbourhoods of Chicago. Then I laughed because my mind was racing, but racing in a way that was connecting the dots. An ah-ha moment. Then another ah-ha moment. And another.
Background: I remember my freshman year in college, I was dating my high school sweetheart. I had driven across two states so we could spend our birthdays together. I was born a day before him. I was also a three-sport college athlete, full-time student and living an active lifestyle (I pledged a sorority AND was part of a handful of cultural groups). Despite all of that, I made time for others. I shuffled around my schedule. My heart broke when I arrived at his college campus. He wasn’t even high but he had smoked resin (it’s like the dirty leftovers from marijuana). Driving all that way and greeted with that? *Shakes head*. I would love to say that was the straw that broke the camel’s back and why we broke up. But it wasn’t. When we finally broke up, it was because he was picked up by a police officer for hitchhiking across Indiana. I wasn’t his phone call, his dealer was. That’s when it sank in that I was not a priority, I was an option.
Present Day: I had an opportunity for growth. Similar high rick soul. Similar above and beyond accommodation. Similar making it work. Also similar inconsistent communication style. And not much empathy.
The opportunity that I’m speaking about is determining whether the emotions surfacing were suppressed from my situation in college or if the emotions surfacing were from the current situation? Was I actually experiencing any emotions? Was I upset? Worried? Did it mean that I questioned the capabilities of another human being? Perhaps it’s normal to be concerned about others? Am I still MY priority? An opportunity for reflection… This time, I was able to identify the trigger. Priorities. My mind is beautiful whilst also jumping down rabbit holes real quick. I didn’t feel that I was upset about the situation rather I was upset because of what the situation represented. A misalignment. A truth. A truth that I was not a priority to another person. I spent a short while questioning myself. Am I too harsh? Should I be more understanding? Is this conditioning? My head was racing. My heart was racing. Not a single shred of anger or pain. It was a drawn-out moment of concern then f*ck it. I deserve better. The recent adjustment was me rushing things. Stepping out of my lane to accommodate another person. Going grocery shopping, lining up dog walks, making sure to do my ‘chores’ early so I could have free time for the weekend. Lots of accommodations. And therein lays the problem. It’s not a matter of others doing this or that, it’s a matter of me failing at maintaining a healthy boundary. I failed at self-care. For a brief moment, I forgot that since I’m magic, I also deserve magic. And dealing with half-assed people is not magic.
The Universe really wanted me to learn this lesson. Throughout the week, it was filled with tests for me to stand my ground or step out of my authenticity and be a people pleaser. Using my voice was sometimes challenged. All sorts of tests… A person on IG that offered money in exchange for pictures of my feet. A coach struggling with her stress management. A potential lover who wanted to road trip to see me. An unfulfilled partner throwing poop at others. A stranger sending text messages of his manhood. A potential business partner that didn’t trust himself. Such a beautiful wave of opportunities to stand in my authenticity. The Universe is amazing!!!
And then there is this exact moment. How did I respond? Did I embrace others? Did I honour myself? Is this healthy boundaries or walls? Was I loving on myself so hard that I was able to pass all these tests with grace?
Having the ability to navigate situations with love (and grace). Understanding that emotions surfacing might be suppressed emotions. Understanding that emotions could also be new emotions. Perhaps this is what self-care feels like. This is what standing in my magic feels like. This is the new muscle. When others push back, it’s my job to stand firm. People will learn to come at me correctly. And it’s time that the only accommodations I continue to make are for things that make my heart sing. Things that make me feel alive. Things that bring me joy… and people pleasing is no longer my job or something that brings me joy. This is a new layer of me.
Honouring the strength in my voice and the consistency in standing my ground. With love. With such an incredible amount of love. Love towards me, then others.
#SelfCare #Emotions #RepressedEmotions #ReleasingEmotionalTurbulance #DetachWithLove #Resilience #FootModel #TraumaRecovery #SelfHealers