The Universe has been noisy lately. All messages pointing to travel. I’m in the middle of building a hustle. My priority is to ingrain two 60-min workout sessions into my soul. My second priority is to build this new hustle… grind now, enjoy later. It’s all about consistency. The biggest lesson and reminder for my new hustle is don’t take anything personally. A soft point causing daily reminders for self-care.
Also, a lesson that I need to hear but have been very resistant to embracing.
The last few months, my stress level has been around a 2 on a 10 point scale. When I feel a bit of disharmony, IF I trust the other person, I use my voice. If I don’t trust them, I create space. I no longer see that behaviour as avoidant, I see it as wise. Butterflies cannot always talk to caterpillars. This is felt on so many levels. It reminds me of circular conversations where someone says “Just because you are shouting doesn’t mean it makes any more sense to me!” Absolutely. Fair point. The last 2 weeks, my stress level has been at a strong 8.
And travel?! Has the Universe gone crazy?! I have been keeping my nose down and just putting in the work. Attracting new coaching clients and this week, two offers for public speaking and asked to consider a corporate coaching gig. Unfortunately, results not related to my #1 or #2 priority! *facepalm* Pushing boundaries within and also unconsciously testing boundaries with others. Why do I do that? I have no idea… but I keep catching myself. Perhaps I think everyone is a goal crusher?
This weekend is special. Oftentimes I gloss over the small details in life but I never forget who was there to hold me up when I needed to fall apart.
Last summer, I was visiting the city. I was trying to come to terms with being discarded. I had been devalued for 19 weeks and finally discarded. A painful space between me and my person, my mommabear. My heart was broken but I was forcing myself through the motions. Forcing myself out and about. Plastering on a smile and a brave ‘everything is magical’ look in my eyes. Only a handful of people knew this look for what it was and I did my best to avoid those people. I was in so much pain and was sick of talking about it. I reached a point of acceptance that there was honest to God nothing I could do but pray that the situation would work itself out. And during that moment, I received a text message that my mommabear was having open heart surgery. A truth that I could lose the only person that I actually cared about (was she already gone, spiritually?). A truth that this meant I would have to deal with a bunch of things I was keeping at bay (dealing with a web of abusive family members). A truth that all of my worst fears were coming true (Jess world was shattering). Also, a truth that I didn’t know the full weight of because I was in such pain that I detached from self. I was stuck between ‘I’ll deal with it once it becomes reality’ mode but at the same time, absolutely terrified.
The friend I was having lunch with was kind. He outlined the weight of the situation. He grabbed my soul from disconnecting from my body. He helped me stay present. Then another friend escorted me to the train station where I ended up missing my train. The rest of the story is not relevant. The purpose is that I would not have been able to experience my emotional release had it not been for the kindness of my friend. Holding space for me to digest. To allow space for my brave mask to come down. A moment to just sit and take in the moment for what it was. To allow my body to flood with both thoughts and feelings. (despite my rambles, I still struggle with some of the heavy feelings).
The small act of kindness from my friend. To sit next to me and hand me a tissue. To offer a look, not a look that said, everything was going to be ok. BUT a look of truth that said, whatever happens, is meant to happen. A moment to challenge me to question if I was operating from ego or heart. And since I insisted that I was operating from heart, what did I need to do to pull myself together to be present for this moment. On a balanced day, I view this moment as the day I broke my unhealthy cycle with my mother. On an unbalanced day, I view this moment as the day I deserted the only person I actually loved, my mommabear.
Reframe the unbalanced day. I have to remind myself that putting myself first should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be my #1 priority. Myself. My heart. My wellness. My soul. And for that reminder for self-care, I would travel the world in gratitude for this dear friend. I’m fortunate, this friend kept me in his heart. And he’s allowing me time to be part of his world. This isn’t just a friend, this is family.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu
#Resilience #Family #KindredSoul #SelfCare #GlobalNomad #Travel #Love #Roadtrip2019