Acknowledging that I’m allowing myself to get lost in the emotion of it all. Today is Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate and honour the very person that brought you into this world. The first person that wiped your butt. The first one to feed your soul. The first one that comforted you during a delicate moment. Your protector in every sense of the word. Your mommabear.
Today stings. I’m not even going to sugarcoat it. I can easily distract myself, make others the villain, or simply reach out and make the phone call. All options that would cause me harm. And my decision is to honour my mom here.
Over the years, I have spent so much time wanting to be just like my mother. For real, the depth of her love is admirable. It’s also a double-edged sword. I cannot fault her for anything other than loving others before loving herself. Rather than consider what she is doing at this exact moment or feeling a pain in my heart because of the distance between us, I send out a flow of love.
No more are the days where I’m comforting her with long lists to remind her of the people that love her. Or bringing her into my Jess World of magic. Today is a day that I’m supposed to be honouring her and to do that is to share some words. But are there words to capture what is in my heart? I could recap the injustice that I feel. Not towards her but towards the people that have twisted her mind. A year ago, we started growing apart. The year before that, we were laughing. The year before that we were on a roadtrip. So many things to honour and celebrate.
When the day is supposed to be to honour her, I’m here, honouring the emotions of it all. Happy Mother’s Day. My mommabear was my person. My best friend. I still have my angry days where I want to move a mountain (or put that mountain on the head of the person causing her pain). But I cannot. I spent so many years fighting battles that were not mine. Battles because others didn’t stay in their lane. Battles because other people enjoyed inflicting harm and isolating others. Battles that made it impossible to breathe. Battles that created confusion. Not battles of love but battles of well, not love.
Today, I acknowledge that I miss my mommabear. I miss her laugh, her jokes, her ability to make other people feel seen. I miss that moment when she challenges herself out of her comfort zone – making furniture, going on a roadtrip, trying something new… heck, even trying my food and then putting ridiculous amounts of salt on it. I even miss that. I miss her hugs, the quiet moments, the moments where I wanted to shut out the world and only allow her into my space. I miss so many things about her.
Knowing that there are people that take joy in thinking I’m suffering or thinking that she is suffering, makes me sick to my stomach. And so today, wherever she is, I hope she is surrounded by love. My only prayer for the last year has been that I hope she is surrounded by love.
Happy Mother’s Day to my mommabear. I keep you in my heart, always. For in my heart is where others cannot cause you harm. I love you.
#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth #Family #MothersDay #Love #Loss