I’ve run into a wave of people that (in my humble opinion) have ridiculous sexual energy. I’m not 100% sure if their sexual energy is directly related to me but it’s interesting either way. A soft spot in my world to be honest. Sexual beings connected to self on so many levels… perception of execution questions which chakra I’m operating from.
Not many like to know that another person’s favourite pastime is having sex. However, it can be a compliment to know the pleasure is not just having sex but having sex with a specific person. And going on a deeper level, sometimes it’s not sex but an exchange of energy. Exchange. of. energy. I’m all about exchanging energy and do so quite openly. That said, I’m VERY selective on who I’m having sex with. Having sex with one person is not just that ONE person but it’s connecting to everyone they have slept with. Because well, exchanging energy.
And the rabbit hole begins… sex is exchanging energy but exchanging energy is not necessarily sex.
Needless to say, I’m not one that enjoys talking about ex-lovers or sexual escapades but it’s also very important to know what you are getting yourself into. This topic is heavy on my heart because I have a lot of noise. The noise comes from a good place. I have redefined family that is encouraging me to have a baby boy. “Jess, have a baby boy for us. We’ll raise him. you just need to put your good genes to use. Come on!” And these same people diligently go through a roster of eligible bachelors for me to consider. A few weeks ago, I decided to create space for dating. My personal life has historically been a hot mess. Something I’m constantly working on. Heck, the entire reason for opening wounds to heal (confronting domestic violence and my ‘daddy issues’) was that I still believe in love. I recognised my questionable habits, the unhealthy cycles, and low self-worth that was painfully evident based on the quality of people I allowed into my space. People allowed into my space are a reflection of how I’m feeling on the inside. Rather than get upset with them, I disengage and retreat into my self to continue my inner work. Last time I created space for dating, I was greeted with people that prioritised my body over my heart. This time around, it’s a different story. Thankfully.
This time around, there has been a very charming wave of suitors. Some of them a bit handsy and all very respectful. Reminders that I’m not my feelings but welcomed to express whatever is in my heart. Reminders that my heart cannot understand the difference between a joke and reality so always use kind words towards myself. I commented on how sometimes I feel like I need a white jacket and a padded room. I was very quickly reminded that jokes hurt and I was hurting myself by saying such things. Reminders that the behaviour of others is about them, not me. A few days ago, someone sent me a care package with a massage wand (one side is a giant dildo, the other is a butt plug) and a piece of lace that essentially only covered my nipples. Sometimes it’s difficult to acknowledge the truth. The truth that I prioritised their potential and perhaps not able to embrace where they are. Sobering moment to spot check for expectations. Necessary for growth. Reminders that it’s ok to be vanilla. It takes time to trust not just myself but also others. At the end of the day, it’s never about trusting others but only about trusting myself.
Being present allows me to sit in my heart space. My heart space is my favourite place to reside in. Being present is very intimate. Exchanging energy is very intimate. Sex has traditionally been a survival behaviour. Not necessarily intimate… connecting on a basic level but maintaining my walls.
The million dollar question is whether or not my lens is of people objectifying me or celebrating me. Am I judging their intention or their execution? If everyone is fully present, does it really matter? What am I trying to control? What am I afraid of feeling? Getting attached? Falling in love? It’s a blessing to be in love. It’s magical to be loved. And so the big question remains, do I [finally] love myself enough where all external noise is completely irrelevant? At the end of the day, isn’t it simply about me being love?
Jess . is. love. The journey continues…
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