Switching gears from morning rambles to reflective afternoon nuggets. This question keeps surfacing. To be honest, I’m not sure how to answer it; JESS, ARE YOU HEALED YET? On one side, it’s a loaded question. Is healing ever really a start to finish process? Or is it an on-going and constantly evolving mission?
Follow up questions. Have you forgiven yourself? and have you forgiven others?
Do I still suffer from panic attacks? No. Does my mind go in overdrive? Not really. Does my heart feel heavy? Sometimes. Do I wish things were different? Always.
Mine is not something that is easy to find the words. And the big guy upstairs knows that I have tried to find the words. Averaging 40-50k words a week to be precise. Have I found the right words? Not even close. Despite my greatest effort to feel the feels and articulate the feels… I’m not sure what else there is to say. Or to share.
Emotionally checking in with myself related to my biological family.
- mother. I miss her like something fierce. Every time that I walk past Union Station, I have to distract my mind to think of something different. When I am in the grocery store and trying to make a new dish, she’s still the first one I want to call for advice. When I’m unsure of myself, I still think to myself “what would my mommabear say”. I still view her as someone that is being abused without the strength to set healthy boundaries with dysfunctional people. This lack of healthy boundaries means that she decided that I wasn’t worth keeping in her life. She pushed me out. Her choice. Not mine. And that still stings. Like lemon juice in the eyes. Even sitting here typing up the words, I have to focus on my breath. Sometimes I can talk about her and sometimes I cannot. She’s still in my heart because I keep space for her. I embrace the emotional waves with great care… and gentleness… and love. Self-love. Things are the way they are because she wants them that way. Nothing more, nothing less. Her decision. Not mine.
- biological brother. Karma will take care of him. I know this with every single fiber in my being. Most likely, if we passed on the street, I wouldn’t recognize him. I take this as HUGE progress because it means that he’s not in my world physically, emotionally, OR spiritually. I’ve said it before that his ability to manipulate our parents is quite masterful but at the end of the day, I accept that he’s just another person that is obsessed with me. I hope that he finds his peace so he can stop tormenting others, specifically provoking our father and isolating our mother. Things are the way they are because he refuses to behave like a normal human being. Nothing more, nothing less. His decision. Not mine.
- biological father. This is such an interesting person to reflect on. Would I give him a hug if we crossed paths on the street? Perhaps. I’m not sure. Would I call or send an email on milestones? No. I accept that he is not in my life because I no longer serve a use for him. He has proven that my existence is not worthy by threatening my life on a few occasions. Things are the way they are because he wants them that way. Nothing more, nothing less. His decision. Not mine.
Notice the theme? THEIR decision. Not mine, theirs. My blog is dedicated to healing and coming to terms with the gross dysfunction. Family abuse. Domestic Violence. I tried to resolve imaginary problems in private for so long that I finally gave up trying to fix the old and focus on building the new, healing.
So is my healing complete? Perhaps.
If asking if I’m at peace with my biological family’s decisions? maybe.
Do I have a choice? not really.
I still have moments of missing my biological family. But then again, how does one define family? If family is based on love, loyalty, and respect, have they demonstrated such things? Not really. Am I apprehensive about the holidays coming up? Sure. But at the end of the day, it is what it is. Each day, I challenge myself to hurt a little bit less. To cry a little bit less. To embrace and honour every single emotion that surfaces but try not to hold onto it. Connected to self, detached to everything else.
To appreciate things for what they were.
To appreciate things for what they are.
To appreciate things for what they will be.
To honour myself in such a way that I can stand tall and forgive them for hurting me. To sleep soundly knowing that I forgave myself & did everything in my power to address things. To accept that my phone will never ring because things are the way they are because THEY want them to be. Their choice. Not mine.
Am I at peace, knowing that my biological family does not love me? Well, I’m getting there. On an emotional day, I still make excuses and credit them for loving me in a way that I simply do not understand. On a rational day, I know that what they offer is not love. A father does not threaten his daughter’s life. A brother does not provoke others to cause harm to his sister. A mother does not sit in silence or allow others to use her like a puppet (abuse by proxy).
They will do what they want to do. As much as it breaks my heart. I accept that my heart is my biggest strength and also my biggest weakness. All things in time.
Am I healed yet? No. It’s an on-going process. Am I at peace? I have no choice but to accept things for what they are. I think I am at peace… mostly.
#MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalResilience #Impermenance #Vipassana #OneDayAtATime #JourneyToPeace