Perspectives are SO important. Mine is very uncommon…
I’m back to sharing my morning rambles. Kind of… each time that I openly share my words (to me) it’s a personal declaration that I will not be silenced by people causing me harm. And sharing the pain in my world is my way of seeking truth and finding the lesson (healing).
I’ve mentioned being raped a few times. Yes, it happened. No, I am not upset about the rape itself. It was a very unfortunate incident. To be honest, I’ve come to terms with the specific event. I think the part that still bothers me is how my family responded to it. My words are intentional, responded. The reaction is what they said/did at first but it’s a response because nothing has changed since then. The fact of the matter is that I was in a traumatic situation and the situation was made worse by lack of support from my family. I didn’t expect support but it was very telling. The rape helped me seek truth in my family dynamic. I have gratitude in my heart (towards the rapist) because he was simply a messenger (and perhaps an opportunist). A messenger because I needed to endure this type of experience to see the true colours of my family. An opportunist because, well I’m Jessica Corvo… I’m a trifecta in AWESOME. (no ego, just fact… well maybe a bit of ego).
See, the rapist, my rapist, is not a terrible person. He’s simply a person that lacked self-control. He offered me a fantastic opportunity to seek the truth. Please understand, I’m not condoning sexual violence. It’s wrong and no means no. What I am saying is that the silver lining to my traumatic experience is that he allowed me to understand (and accept) another layer of my completely dysfunctional family dynamic.
(deep breath)
The messages from the Universe have been very interesting the last few days. The rabbit hole of youtube has brought me to DID videos. Random documentaries have been around DID situations. Part of me thinks that I have ridiculously efficient processing and part of me thinks that I simply tuck certain things in a place deep within my heart and just pretend like it didn’t really happen. Or at least it wasn’t as bad as it truly was… perhaps I have DID. Has DID helped me survive the stuff that I’ve endured? Or is my perspective simply in a constate of ‘what is this situation trying to teach me?’ I’m not sure.
The other day, I was watching a video about sex trafficking. The woman, Carol, was sharing her story and demonstrated absolute control of herself. She remembered one terrible situation after another… family rape, foster care rape, betrayal by friends, trafficking… and just a complete and utter collapse of a system that was meant to protect her. It was heartbreaking to listen to but so powerful. On one side, my heart congratulated her strong spirit. She mentioned a few times that it was important that she had the ability to fight back. Even when she didn’t fight back, it was important that she had that choice. When she was drugged then assaulted, she was upset about the assault but more upset that she was not afforded the ability to fight back. She had zero control over the situation. I can relate to that perspective on so many levels… Everything is about control. Others trying to control you. You trying to control yourself. If you are a compliant target then you get hurt less? This makes me question why I didn’t fight back when I was raped. I think that I instinctively knew that fighting back could result in being hit. I was already in a state of being where I was looking for the path of least resistance. I accepted the situation for what was happening. I knew that I had the choice to push back but I also knew that there would be consequences to my actions.
The abuse with my father escalated from verbal to physical. When did it escalate? … when I pushed back. Not physically but verbally pushed back. The times that I found my voice and defended myself, is when the abuse escalated. It’s a game of power. The moment I exercised self-defence, I was put back into my place.
Am I blaming my father for me being raped? No. I’m trying to understand why I behaved in the way that I behaved during a traumatic situation. I was conditioned to believe that speaking out resulted in more harm. Mom and dad were fighting, I defended mom and that specific situation resulted in him putting a loaded gun in my face. He wanted to silence me. It was a game of control. I was being conditioned to act in a certain way. I was being taught to keep my mouth shut. And when I [finally] broke my silence and started sharing my story of abuse, a bunch of people in my social network were just as bad as my father. They tried to silence me. Rather than show support, they openly criticised me. One person that comes to mind is a girl named Christine. She’s supposedly a life coach and she blasted a bunch of venom on my social media. She was trying to silence me. This is also conditioning. This is actually reinforcing the conditioning. Since then, Christine deleted her comments on my post (thankfully, I took screenshots before she deleted her comments. IF I choose to press charges for bullying, at least I have proof. People should know that things on the internet never really go away. There is always a way to retrieve anything that gets posted. So there’s that comforting thought. I have a choice to protect myself in a very public AND LEGAL way). But what makes me continue to share my healing? What gives me the strength to share my story? I think it’s the element of control. I know that I don’t have to share but I have the ability to. At moment, my blog has been read in 46 countries. At any given moment, I have people reading my words in 5 or 6 countries on a daily basis. It’s humbling but also very telling. I do not have a how-to-heal formula. I simply share my processing and others can learn from my mistakes or cherry pick my tools for healing/growth. My situation is different from others. Everyone has their own trauma they are healing from. Even though the trauma is different, I feel that the healing is similar. Mostly anyways…
To loop everything together, some people end up with a fragmented spirit that results in DID. Trauma is so bad that their core system is unable to process what is happening or what had happened (Dissociate themselves). Other people stay focused on the things they have control over (Serenity Prayer). For me, I do not have control of the family I was born into. I did not have control over a man forcing himself on me. I did, however, have full control over how I reacted. I had complete control over my recovery. I had unquestionable control over my resilience…
Maybe that’s the branding I should focus on for my coaching business. Resilience Coach. A few months ago, I was thinking about my tagline being ‘From Crazypants to Certifiable’ but now I’m thinking that it’s more suitable to have something along the lines of resilience… what is a catchy tagline for that… ‘Resilience: Helping you #BeYourOwnHero’
(deep breath)
I’m not upset about the rape. (I cannot change the rapist)
I’m not upset about the 50+ hours of abusive texts. (I cannot change my father)
I’m upset that I unquestionably [and without hesitation] jumped at the opportunity to defend my mother when I should have been protecting myself. (I can change Me)
I’m upset that my family does not think that I am worthy of human decency. (I cannot change my family)
I’m upset that I didn’t break the cycle of self-harm. (I can change Me)
Focus on what I can change… and focusing on what I can change is the essence of building resilience.
#BreakingToxicCycles #SelfControl #WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #BreakTheSilence #StopConditioning #StopBullying #Healing #Recovery #AbuseRecovery #ProcessingPain #Reflections #JourneyToPeace