Just.Hit.Publish – is it [really] worth the risk?

I’m a writer. I write. It makes me happy. Well, I wouldn’t say the writing itself makes me happy as much as knowing that others are able to read my words and heal their heart. Helping others is what makes me happy. Knowing that my current tool, writing, is how I am able to help others… that tickles my funny bone and warms my heart.

The last few weeks, I’ve still been writing but not sharing. Last week, I rounded out with just over 69k words. That’s only the writing completed from my laptop, not including the handwritten words or the completely random purges on my phone that I keep safely tucked in NOTES or as an email draft.

I find writing to be massively therapeutic. Internally, writing helps align my head and my heart. Somehow during a freewriting session, my head could start off clouded and my heart heavy but after about 1,500 words, they are at peace with one another. Externally, my writing has afforded me the ability to find other soft souls. Other kindred souls. Other healing hearts. And through connection with others, I’ve been able to better connect with myself. It’s all individual but it’s all connected. Writing helps me discern the difference.

As I complete a full year of my writing challenge I wanted to share a few thoughts on the unintended (and unexpected) pushback that I didn’t know how to prepare for. Most of my writing has been morning purges with a goal of finding inner peace. It’s my healing journey and there is no A.B.C. of what to do. It’s just constantly looking inward and trying to embrace an emotion then observe it, then try to remain detached so it dissolves. That’s the intention anyways… There have also been many times that I jump on the hamster wheel and exhaust myself with the ‘good, the bad, the ugly, the what ifs’… recognizing that my mind is in a fear-based cycle has been a challenge. (Thank you unhealthy attachment). Is my thinking emotional fear or is it rational thought? Am I sabbotaging myself or protecting myself? Being a sensitive, is it even my energy or is it someone else’s energy? Lots to consider… so just keep writing. Writing tends to naturally divide and conquer all of these things. But on the very emotional days, I opt to keep my words offline. The last month has been particularly painful for me because the roles shifted and some of my writing was being stalked and used against me. People that were a friend quickly became a foe. People that are supposed to protect me are the ones that I needed to be protected from. Things went lopsided and sharing my joy or my fear resulted in an overwhelming amount of pushback that I needed a break from. I removed the target on my back.

Survivor 101 is to make sure that you are safe.

What happens when the weapon is your words and the target is your heart? If the crazymaking was stepped up and your entire system is challenged? Step back, breathe, identify exposures and reduce opportunities to be exploited.

I have still been writing but not sharing. One of the hardest truths I have come to terms with is stalking. People that are too cowardly to have direct conversations or ask ‘how are you’ have been stalking my social media platforms. It’s like dysfunctional people all read from the same playbook. I write something on my blog and depending on content, it comes back to me in a twisted form within days. Everything is a game. It’s nothing more than a game. I go quiet on my blog and within a few weeks, people come out of the woodworks and start watching my Instagram stories. 2 degrees of separation. They are not my friend. They are flying monkeys investigating me on behalf of my abusers. Or they send me a message in LinkedIn asking about my next set of challenges or try to figure out my current location. They are not my friend. They are also flying monkeys investigating me on behalf of my abusers. I’ve tested this theory many times over the course of a decade. The only thing that has evolved is the platforms for stalking…

Stalking is initiated by my abusers and carried out by their flying monkey. This is called abuse by proxy. I knew this from before but have recently been reminded of it. It’s both funny and sad. But it’s all a game and it is what it is.

But they can play their games. It’s ok by me. I focus on me and keep writing. Most weeks, I still crush my writing goals. Some weeks I exceed my goals. My current goal is to simply have a pen and paper nearby or access to my computer. When I feel a storm brewing within I channel it into words on a page. The start usually makes ZERO sense but there are always themes. And within those themes is whats in my heart. And what’s in my heart is what needs to be addressed and eventually healed…

Two nights ago I had a dream. I received an apology from someone that has hurt me. They have caused me great pain. The pain started because they were being used as a tool. The pain continued because they refuse to acknowledge the damage they caused. The best apology is changed behaviour. Yesterday, I refused to write because I knew what was in my heart and I wasn’t ready to fully scrub her out. I prefer to be in a space of still praying that she will wake up. #IgnoranceIsAChoice

And admitting in public that someone is still in my heart gives my abusers all the ammunition they need. They know how to hurt me. They know how to twist things to cause pain. They know how to manipulate others with great ease. The person being manipulated is just a tool being used. She simply does not know who is building and who is breaking. And worst of all, she doesn’t know that I’m at my breaking point of walking away from it all… The hardest truth is knowing that she continues to side with people causing me harm. It’s a conscious choice… it’s no longer an accident or being trauma bonded. It’s a choice to side with people that cause harm to her daughter.

It’s clear where her loyalty is.

Now I need to be honest with myself about where my loyalty is…

The journey continues. Today I hit publish. Today is the 1-year anniversary of my Auntie passing. Today I’m surrounded by angels that are telling me that it’s safe to be vulnerable. Today my heart is heavy but no tears are falling. It’s no longer a season of being in a toxic cycle. It’s a season of accepting that I have zero control over who loves me. My only responsibility is to love myself so hard that all of this just fades away. My other responsibility is to send love and healing vibes so those causing me pain can eventually see the light and heal themselves…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #InvisibleWounds #EmotionalAbuse #BeYourOwnHero #JourneyToPeace

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