It’s been about a month. A month of silence for my blog anyways. I’ve been very active on other social media platforms but have shied away from my blog because I needed some time and space to divide and conquer. When I purge emotions about my biological father, he backs down. When I purge emotions about my biological brother or biological mother, the dysfunction increases. This leads me to think that their dysfunction is quite different. I’m not a formally trained expert in cluster b personalities but I can attest to personal experience and the pushback. But again, this journey is about my healing and finding peace, not their abuse.
So… I went quiet to collect my thoughts. Mostly. Lots of writing, a bit of travel and heaps of reading in the last month… all to gain perspective and balance myself out.
I still find it odd that I am sat here, nervous about breaking my blog silence and offending people that quite honestly do not care about me. Never once have they asked how I’m doing or how they can help, specifically related to the abuse. Lots of dancing around the important issues. Lots of crazymaking (weeks of abuse/isolation then love bombing). Many times I find myself questioning their inconsistent behaviour and overall wellness. I have to make a huge conscious effort to stop justifying their toxic behaviour and just scrub them out of my heart space once and for all. Facebook memories are helpful because with all the family related memories that crop up, I’m able to reframe the story in my head around those specific events. It’s a process to brainwash myself by simply writing #LoveDoesNotHurt or #IAMWORTHY.
The fact I am able to discern the difference between their reality and mine is a plus. Since I’m able to say, ‘that is dysfunctional’ and stand my ground is also a plus. Previously, I would be pulled into false guilt. This means that I would stand my ground and shortly after be the one apologising. Yeah, that’s the power of emotional abuse. I would stand up for myself or express my feeling on a matter and shortly after be the one apologising for having my own feeling. I can clearly see that now but I was in the cycle then. It was horrible.
In April, I was raped. I took time to allow my soul to accept what had happened. I created space for my heart to heal. I disappeared to a magical part of the world to just be. I called out to the Universe for help from a few kind souls. I met some amazing people that guided me through my sidestep. I wrote about the experience via a series of letters to heal. The last letter being the one that I posted in my blog. The rest were just in my diary… I had successfully processed all sorts of emotions and it took a bit of work to get there. The funny thing is that once I hit publish, I knew there were a few parts that would be thrown in my face. I had a sentence in there about how I have been engaging in responsible sexual encounters for nearly 20 years. The moment I wrote that, I knew that it was going to be thrown at me. So if I was OK, then keep it in, if I was not then I had to remove it. I know that I’m not a whore so I opted to leave it in. My intention was to express that accidents happen. Monsters exist. I wanted to outline that predators have a radar to easily find their prey. The act of aggression committed against me had nothing to do with attracting bad people. It had everything to do with being vulnerable and being attacked. Nothing more and nothing less. It was not my fault for having faith in humanity. And rather than have a family that supported my healing or reminding me that it wasn’t my fault. I had a biological father that called me all sorts of names. I had a biological brother that was the catalyst for sharing that blog entry with our biological father. And then I had a biological mother that asked if I needed to see a doctor but then shortly after was pulled into the dysfunctional web where I was defending HER (thanks to bullying text from biological father) and she later made it a point to express how I’m not worthy… of life. Sharing a post about being attacked was also thrown in my face as ‘trying to ruin my biological brother’s wedding’. I still fail to see the connection but that’s their dysfunctional world and I’m just a tool being used. I’m sure they all think I’m the reason for the volcanos in Hawaii as well. I am powerful but really? The slutty rainmaker?! hahahaha. That’s essentially how my biological father branded me because of 2 things that I have zero control over, being attacked and mother nature.
I digress.
I went quiet because the insanity was just too much. Normal families are supportive and loving towards one another. I was born into a family that is scared to death of me sharing what happens behind closed doors. The abuse. Domestic Violence. I have screenshots of text messages of my father threatening to ‘destroy me by creating his own blog’. Go ahead. If that makes you feel better, then, please. By all means. Do what you need to do. As always (in writing and on so many occasions), I’m here to help. I do not like that our relationship is the way that is it. I do not like that you are abusive. I’m still here to help and would be tickled if you wanted to heal together! That said, I will not tolerate you being rude or disrespectful. I expect you to control your anger. Those are reasonable requests. Normal requests to make for a grown man and a father. In a normal world this is not asking too much… My family resides in a dysfunctional world. Hardly a person takes responsibility for their own actions. I have enough messages to fill a book on examples of abuse. I might add into my memoir at some point. I haven’t decided. And from all of them. Examples of gaslighting, isolation, explosions, and all sorts of crazymaking. It’s sad but it’s honest. I am not the problem. Took me 34 years to say that with confidence.
I am NOT the problem. I am worthy.
I am NOT broken. I have a broken heart.
I am NOT complaining. I am healing my heart.
I am NOT blaming others. For what is there to blame? Processing pain does not mean that I have a bad life. I’m going through my pain so I can learn the lesson and stop the insanity.
And most importantly… one of the messages that my biological father sent to my biological mother was ‘I don’t have to ask if she is OK. She’s blogging so I assume that she is OK’.
Funny thing about his words, I just spent a month without posting anything in my blog. He has not emailed me. So either my biological father doesn’t actually care if I’m alive or dead (my last blog entry was July 1) OR my biological mother is still betraying my trust and feeding him information about me. Either way, is that love? Is that dysfunctional or is that normal?
I feel that my entire life is spent trying to teach my family how to respect my boundaries. When will I learn that people that do not understand how to respect boundaries simply are no longer allowed in my world?
I could easily just deactivate all my social media accounts and go off-grid and live happily ever after. Just start with a blank canvas. Wash my hands of them all. But the heartbreaking part is that I still view them as family. I still love people that do not love me. When will I learn to love myself? When will I believe that I AM WORTHY?
The brainwashing continues… I AM WORTHY I AM WORTHY I AM WORTHY LOVE DOES NOT HURT LOVE DOES NOT HURT LOVE DOES NOT HURT I AM WORTHY I AM WORTHY I AM WORTHY LOVE DOES NOT HURT LOVE DOES NOT HURT LOVE DOES NOT HURT