From ROCK to RAGING RIVER and back to ROCK

The last few weeks have been rather interesting. With a shift in the Universe and also a shift within. Lots of crazy things have been happening. It’s actually kind of funny to be honest…

I pride myself on having outstanding crisis management skills. As long as others are having moments of complete duress, I’m able to maintain laser focus and just get things done. I did not know why but it was instinctive. Almost as if my mind was automatically able to decipher how to prioritise everything. Change the things I could and let go of what I cannot change.

A few years ago, I was in Vietnam. Someone’s brother had a panic attack and I was the one to step in. Since it was just a few years after my panic attacks were happening, I knew a few things. Unfortunately from personal experience. Anyways, this morning, it all came together…

I’ve been reading my book on dysfunctional people. It’s my go to, almost like a bible to religious people. This book is my ‘bible’ for healing. I’ve also been sprinkling revelations / personal truths on random posts. Strangers on the interwebs have been helpful in validating my comments. They water the right seeds and boost my healing. Then a few people that I know are following my healing but go quiet, they start reemerging. And last but not least, a few people that visited me in my dreams… A combination of all this turned on a light. Flipped on my switch.

On the inside, before I started my healing journey, I was a rock. I embraced things one at a time and just got things done. Easy peasy. Then once I started the healing journey, I was the raging river. Pretty much everything got under my skin. I was defensive, protective, combative… and just hurt that anyone would want to cause me harm in any way. Then the light turned on and I turned back into the rock. I’m back to embracing things one at a time and just get things done. I’m viewing my emotional life as if it’s my professional or athletic one. Be truthful about a situation, don’t take it personal and just get.stuff.done.

And the funniest component to this ‘light bulb moment’…? Intention. My core belief system is that people are good. If someone causes harm, it’s an accident. No one would intentionally cause harm to another human being. People are good, right? Well, in Jess World people are kind to one another but in reality, they are not. In Jess world, I thought harmful people were like Eeyore (Winnie the Poo) but really they are like the Joker (Batman). My programming goes deep. I will still be humane to others. I will still send them love. But this visual is most useful. It helps with attachment or rather, detachment. When someone is hurting (Eeyore), my gut response is to add value and help. Bring them a bit of sunshine. Remind them of their magic. Help them. Now that I accept that people are just pretending to be like Eeyore but really they are like the Joker, it’s so incredibly empowering. It’s useful. It’s healing.

Eeyore can be helped. Joker cannot. Eeyore just needs help to manage their own overwhelming emotions. Joker does not have emotions and that’s why they elicit emotional responses from others. Eeyore has phases, moments of instability and just need love. Jokers are dysfunctional to the core, they are stable because they cause instability amongst others.

So my morning revelation is that I was Eeyore for a few months. I’ll admit it. I was in a rut. shifted from being a rock to a raging river back to a rock. Because I thought everyone had the same heart as me, I also thought that others were Eeyore and just needed a bit of love. When today I realise that not everyone has the same heart because some people simply do not have a heart. I know that sounds harsh but it’s my truth for today.

If a person has a heart, they wouldn’t intentionally cause harm to others. If a person has a heart, they wouldn’t try to be counterproductive in an otherwise productive situation. If a person has a heart, they wouldn’t add dysfunction to something functional. If a person had a heart, they wouldn’t need to be reminded of what it means to be a decent human being. Decent human beings are not takers, they are givers. Decent human beings add value.

Last night, I proclaimed that I was disappointed for allowing so many dickheads into my space. It’s actually deeper than that. Dickheads could potentially be like Eeyore. I am a dickhead at times. Few times but I am. And the funny thing is the ONLY people that call me a dickhead is because I’ve called them out on causing harm. A comedian was trying to throw garbage at me for making a statement about #AllLivesMatter. He took it personally that I was putting salt in a wound that prevented others to heal. His viewpoint of me is flawed. I’m the most inclusive person I’ve ever met and the entire reason why my healing journey has been so painful because the Jokers weren’t just in my family, they were also sprinkled in my community.

Jokers need to exist for Batman to exist. But you won’t see them playing golf together. hahahaha. Can you imagine?! That isn’t an image of forgiveness, that’s an image of insanity. It hasn’t happened because it’s just ridiculous. Besides, Batman doesn’t roll in the mud with pigs because he’ll get dirty. He has standards and invites the Joker to join him. And the reason why they cannot play golf is not because the Joker cannot reform, it’s because he chooses not to. The Joker prefers to play games rather than heal. His choice.

And this morning, I’m laughing to myself. I finally see people as being the Joker rather than Eeyore. Their choice, not mine. And I finally accept that all of these years, I’ve been manipulated into thinking the Joker did not exist.

He does. She does. They do. Jokers are alive and well and get their jollies by causing harm to others. And this is such a powerful revelation. After a month of grey rock, this is my conclusion. Observing the behaviour, the isolation, the baiting, the love-bombing… it’s all a game of pushing buttons. A game of testing triggers. It’s a game, not to help heal but try to play with my heart. It’s the most destructive game out there because it doesn’t leave any visual wounds. It’s the darkest game out there. It’s the game. I finally understand the game AND the players… well, the players are just… Jokers. If I have played this game with people that consider themselves family, I am actually one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. As painful as this truth is to admit, it’s been one of my most powerful truths to confront. A truth to embrace.

The world might have Eeyore but chances are, it’s the Joker just pretending to be Eeyore. And that is the easiest way to explain emotional abuse. At least in my world, at this exact moment, this is the easiest way to explain emotional abuse. The Joker pretending to be Eeyore.

It all makes sense. The journey continues…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Perception #Intention #Eyeore #Joker #GreyRock #Narcissist #Psychopath #ClusterB #GrossDysfunction #SacredMoment #Healing #Revealing #Understand #Accept #LetGo #IAmWorthy #SelfLove #BrutalTruth #JourneyToPeace

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