I have to keep reminding this to myself. I have to be mindful of when I’m getting explosive. Is it the person? The words? Or the deep seeded pain? 100% it’s the deep seeded pain.
Up until last year, I would have explosive reactions when people made insensitive comments about my biological father. I would call them insensitive, ignorant, all sorts of things and hid behind the need to protect myself. I pushed back because my heart was hurting. Others were telling me to respect a person that had a proven track record of trying to compromise my wellbeing; someone that had ZERO regard for my existence. Those words are just as difficult to read as they are to type. I lost my sh!t when people insisted that I love a father that didn’t know how to love his daughter.
The truth hurts. Deep seeded pain. Unresolved pain. I decided that I needed to unload this burden of pain because I felt it was destroying me. I knew it was destroying me. It’s not healthy to have such an explosive reaction when someone makes a comment about my biological father. So I did what I thought I needed to do. Get honest with myself. Turn into my pain. Heal myself. The tools needed to do this were vast. It was a combination of things that I’ll get into later. But today, when people stop me and ask, “I heard you don’t get along with your Father? What happened?” I’m far enough into my healing to say, “He likes to abuse me. I do not like being abused. I guess that’s right, we don’t see eye to eye on how to define a loving and mutual respecting Father-Daughter relationship.” Aside from being on high alert on Father’s Day (which is completely understandable), the last time that I had an explosive reaction was in August. I was caught off guard. My mother’s elder brother was struggling with the death of his elder sister and true to form, rather than deal with the pain in a constructive manner, he decided to lash out at me. He was intentionally trying to cause me harm. In hindsight, it’s kind of funny because my father wasn’t there, nor did he have any business in the conversation. The mere fact my uncle used this soft spot to intentionally cause me harm was enough reason for me to accept this kink in my armour and get to work. I told myself I was going to do whatever I needed to do to heal. Under no circumstances would I allow anyone, intentional or ignorant, to cause me harm at the mention of my broken relationship with my father.
The journey has been tough. I’m not going to lie. There was a lot of ugliness that came out. Mostly heart center but the moment I was 100% honest with myself, that’s when the real healing was able to take place. The more I spoke about my heartache, the more people stood up. The more dysfunction I removed, the more support that walked in. I still remember, one of my first conversations about the matter was with a neighbor. He was teasing me about [not] running away from home. He also commented on how family is important. Somewhere in the conversation, I blurted out that my father put a loaded gun in my face. I told the neighbour how my father held me up against the wall by my neck. I told him how I had to do 100 hours of community service with the American Cancer Society because I got into trouble for calling the police when I felt my life was being threatened. I broke down in front of a new person. I made myself vulnerable. I just blurted out the storm that was swirling in my heart. The thoughts that were dancing in my head. The pain that was suffocating my soul. And through all of this, his eyes welled up. He reached out and gave me a hug until I literally could not hold myself up anymore. My moment of complete rawness allowed a connection with a new friend. A kindred spirit. And he was the first of a few to tell me that he never had a daughter, he’s not trying to be my father but if I need anything, he’s available. Everyone needs positive men in their life, if anything to remind them that decent men still exist. And at that moment of complete brokenness, my family expanded by one. I’m very blessed because since then, I have been able to build a community of some pretty amazing people. People who are supportive. They listen. They are patient. They remind me of my awesome. They know the ONLY thing I need is love. I don’t ask for anything but my world was lacking so much love and these people are stepping up to help me. They are reminding me of love. Real love. NOT conditional love. Just raw, I’m here. What do you need. I love you. Love.
Now family dysfunction runs deep. I have learned a lot about both myself and my family during the last year. At first, I thought my father was the only one causing me harm. Once he was removed, I was able to observe my brother and my mother.
For the most part, I’ve kept my brother out of my blog because I’m convinced he’s a psychopath. Based on 30+ years of interactions and what I have learned about cluster b personalities (plus narcissists and psychopaths), I can make this claim with confidence. That said, I’m not a licensed therapist nor has he been properly tested so my claim is only my opinion. I share it because understanding the type of dysfunction is useful when healing. So after I was able to put things to the side with my father, I had to address my brother. That was fun so said NO ONE that ever dealt with a psychopath. I went quiet on my blog for a few weeks because I had to play games. I needed to test my other social media platforms. My other platforms are a controlled environment. I needed to observe just how deep the evil flowed. On my blog, I can only tell who my readers are by country, but on social media, I can see who is watching my IG stories and I can control who can see my FB posts. It’s a web. I was proactively doing damage control. Identifying and reducing my risks.
Of course, no plan is perfect. Through this stage, a handful of baby vampires came out to play. I guess it was good practice because it reinforces my ability to identify and remove dysfunction. I’m pretty good at identifying in Asia but I’ve been struggling in the USA. I think it’s because I’m in an emotional state thanks to my healing journey. Intuition + emotions = danger zone. In Asia, my intuition can sense the energy almost straight away. For people I’m on the fence with, it takes me 3 weeks. In the USA, it took me 2 months… so I’m not far off but I’m still purifying my heart and re-wiring my core system. All of this is necessary to recalibrate my intuition.
My father is NOT in my heart space. (I’m no longer explosive, my pain is mostly healed). My brother is NOT in my heart space. (I’m no longer explosive, my pain is mostly healed). My mother, she’s still in my heart space and that’s the current focus. Identify, accept, heal. (I’m extremely explosive, my pain is raw and this one goes deep… it’s my mommabear). Identify. Accept. Heal.
The journey continues… Today, my heart is shattered. Tomorrow, I start to pick up the pieces.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyDysfunction #DaughtersNeedTheirMother #Heartbroken #Overwhelmed #Healing #Recovery #OneDayAtATime #SideStep #Breathe #LoveDoesNotHurt #JourneyToPeace