Each person has the power of the Universe within them. Fundamentally, I know this to be true. There are moments where the Universe likes to play games and prove to me that this is a truth, not just a belief. But mostly, perhaps because of compounded trauma, I question this truth because I did not think I had that sort of power within.
But… I do.
There have been instances where I believe something so strongly that it comes true. I also know that when I send thoughts, prayers or good vibes to people… I typically get an email or ‘random’ message from them. Anyone ever hear someone say, “I was JUST thinking about you?!”
That’s standard in my world. Hand on heart. Honest to God truth. It happens a lot. Souls know how to talk to one another.
Earlier today I had another affirmation of my inner power. Or inner light. I made my first live broadcast on Instagram. I felt that it was time to break this barrier. It wasn’t to prove anything. It wasn’t to point fingers. It was a calmness that whispered, ‘it’s time.’ So I leaned in and said, ‘why not?’
The hilarious thing about this live broadcast is the technical glitch. My hand was shaking pretty much the whole time. Amateur hour on my side. HAHA it was my FIRST video! Anyways, I am able to hold myself together through some pretty wicked storms. My heart is packed in ice when it’s being attacked so I’m able to tap into a different part of my being until the storm has passed. I’ve been doing this for about 20+ years so I’m somewhat of a professional in crisis management… However, this year, I’m removing all my safety nets. I’m standing my ground with healthy boundaries. I’m allowing a few tears to fall when they need. At the end of the day, tears are just a way for the heart to express itself when words are simply not available… perhaps that’s another reason WHY my current tool is writing. I hate crying. That’s a lie. I don’t hate crying. I hate people calling me names for crying. Throughout history, I’ve been conditioned to believe that my feelings are not valid. Any tears that fall are clearly because I have issues… perhaps because I’m bipolar or crazy?! Ummmmm, no. I’m crying because someone was causing me harm. And crying is a sign of strength, not weakness… I’m working on re-wiring that messaging to my core. I can say it but the shame that fills my body when the tears fall… I think today was the first time that I didn’t apologise for crying. Sad truth.
So back to the point. During the live broadcast, I was sat outside with Jax. Jax is a 4-year old puggle. He’s my mom’s dog. He’s the biggest love bug. He knows exactly how to disrupt just about any situation. He has also been following me around the last few days because he knows my heart is going through a growth spurt. (That’s my nice way of saying it’s broken. Father’s Day was rough on a few levels). The live broadcast was going well until Jax turned around and gave me some kisses. He knew what I was talking about and decided to interrupt my broadcast to remind me that I’m loved. His action immediately brought down my walls, exposing my soft bits, allowing the tears to fall. He broke into my fortress. The wall that I keep up because my experience is that people do not know how to handle a tear-filled Jess. If a guy isn’t trying to sexually assult me, typically I end up consoling a friend because they simply do not know how to handle me. It’s kind of funny. Sad but funny.
How is this related to my power?
Well, I was fine with sharing. I was fine with being detached. I was fine with the start of the broadcast. The moment Jax gave me some kisses, he broke my stride. At that very moment, I shifted from detached to attached. I shifted from rational to emotional. And being in an emotional state is beautiful when pure but earth-shattering when not… Visually, once I was in my emotional state (also my free flow), the video started shaking. It continued for about 90 more seconds then the video completely stopped. The people on the live were able to hear an additional 4:30 but the people on the replay just saw a frozen screen. It’s odd but expected. It’s the Universe showing me my power. It’s the Universe showing me the strength of my light.
My internet connection was fine. My hand wasn’t shaking any more or less. The ONLY thing that changed was what was happening on my inside. It was a wave. It was a combination of so many things. It was sadness for my family situation. It was disappointment in my silence. It was acceptance in speaking the truth. It was an indifference to the idea this video could be shared with someone trying to intentionally harm me. It was the first time that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable in public… to people that I know.
Granted, I’m one that talks to strangers. I’m notorious for having conversations with myself in the presence of other people. Especially this year. I’ll share something that society would consider oversharing. It’s not done in a creepy way or complaining. It’s funny how it’s almost as if what I share is being pulled out of my heart. The sharing almost always results in the other person sharing something personal about themselves. It’s a pleasant conversation. Both adding value in their own way and then we part ways. The secret is in maintaining anonymity. The sharing is pure when people remain only as random kindred souls that crossed paths. It ensures the meeting was a lesson and prevents me from turning them into a season or a lifetime. It’s a pure exchange. NO strings attached. Even if the lesson was to feel less alone, it was pure. And vulnerability is easy when things are pure. Besides, our souls recognized one another.
So making myself vulnerable in a community that is 50/50 in understanding is a bit of a risk. I have identified 32 exposures to my wellness. Knowing this, one would think that I’d simply remove them and be on my way. Not in my world. I need these people to expose themselves in their time. Removing them doesn’t teach me anything. It doesn’t help my healing in the least bit. Removing them is the same as me just avoiding conflict altogether. Removing them is me controlling something that I should be observing, not judging.
But the point of this ramble is to acknowledge that I know what it’s like to be in flow. I also need to heed caution to the lifeforce within. The power that I can draw, intentionally or unintentionally. I share because it’s actually scary. In January, I was with a white witch. When we were together, none of my technology was working. My computer, my phone… nothing was working. There was a phone tower next to the house but as long as we were together, my phone said NO SERVICE. And today, I’m reminded that I need to continue my work. I allowed a wave of emotion to sweep me off my feet. And what I felt within was demonstrated as a technical glitch. If I can figure out a way to download the clip, I’ll share but if you google my Instagram (jessica.corvo), you can find it. I think stories stay up for 24 hours.
My journey continues…
#PowerOfTheUniverse #WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #JourneyToPeace