Putting things in motion to share my message AND my magic

I only play to win. I only engage to grow. I only ask questions to understand.

My head is all over the place at the moment. Part of me wants to publicly out someone that stepped into my lane. And part of me accepts that she didn’t step into my lane, I actually allowed her to pull me out of mine.

Does that make sense? To me, it does.

This current healing chapter is about me. No one else is supposed to matter. No one else’s drama is supposed to matter. No one’s opinion is supposed to matter. But it does. Why? Because for 34 years of my existence, I’ve been programmed to be accommodating. Helping others is a way to help myself. If you see someone hurting, help them. If there is a problem, offer a solution. That’s part of my core. I’m OK with that. It means that I’m all heart.

But the nuance that I recently learned is that as long as my heart is full, these rules are perfectly OK to follow. But this year is accepting that my heart is full but it’s also broken. It’s growing. It’s been cracked into so many pieces that it’s getting bigger. I need to be soft with it as I piece my heart back together. I need to shut out the world whilst it heals. I need to be mindful because sharing the growth/healing is pulling me out of my lane on a daily basis. Some call this selfish. I call it self-preservation.

Professionally, people see that I’m sharing soft parts of me and judge that I’m not fit for projects. It’s their loss because I’ve not met many people that actively look after their well being. I’m very loud about calling myself crazypants. I’m actually holding my stuff together in spite of some pretty gnarley garbage. I’m functioning in a highly dysfunctional situation. I’m doing this intentionally because I’m in the process to break some extremely toxic cycles. For what? My growth. My happiness. My peace. Anyone that cannot understand this doesn’t deserve my time anyways. And yet, I entertain the offers for a quick minute. Why? Because for about 10 years, my worth has been associated with achieving professional goals. Staying in my lane means allowing the conversations to take place if it compliments my personal objectives. Getting pulled out of my lane is working for free or doing something not aligned with my personal objectives. (Mental wellness. Domestic Violence. Emotional Abuse).

Personally, I’m not trying to date. I get people hollaring at me all the time. At first it’s good for the ego but the moment I realise the lack of depth of the suitors then it’s just flat out disappointing. Here I am bearing my heart and soul on my blog and sharing the softest bits of me and others are unable to get past my vehicle. My body is nothing more than a vehicle. The real magic is in my heart. The prize is understanding my soul  and capturing my heart. Boys chase bodies, men capture hearts. Staying in my lane means that men respect my journey and find ways to empower me. Getting pulled out of my lane is believing words rather than watch actions.

Socially, I know that I’m tremendous value added. Friends call me all the time for advice, motivation, or help. They post pictures with me on the rare occasion that I make social appearances. They do their part to show me a good time, pull me out of my head space for a quick minute. I’m cool with distractions but I’m thirsty for healthy distractions. Movies that get me to think. Books that help me grow. Inspiring people that have shared their healing journey in a creative way. Athletic endeavors that support my 10-mile swimming goal will earn my attention real quick. It’s not about drinking or living in the fast lane. I’ve been there and done that. It’s about doing things that are feeding my soul. Right now my soul is in need of some TLC.

I guess the turmoil in my heart is on a few levels. I cannot really fault anyone for trying to pull me out of my lane. Even the people that say comments with the hope that I stop sharing, it’s their issue, not mine. I’m slowing starting to accept that even I think that I’m batshit crazy for doing what I’m doing.

Coach A used to end our conversations with “Be Blessed” and now he closes with “Stay in your lane”. It’s messages like this that get into my subconscious and he’s right. I need to stop getting distracted. People are not stepping into my lane. I’m allowing them to pull me into theirs.

It’s easy to get distracted when I’m not clear about my goals. So below I’m outlining my goals.

Athletic: 3 races to symbolize progress in my healing journey. Italy (completed), Malaysia (October), Florida (November). I selected these races as they are progressions. Italy is a half Ironman. Easy race to get through as my physical fitness is relatively good. Malaysia is going to be all mental. It’s a 10 mile open water swim. Staying focused without ANY distractions is going to be a very difficult challenge. Fitness aside, this race will be 100% mental. Florida is a full Ironman. This is my emotional race. My first Ironman was completed for Dad. It was for us to bond. It was to solve a problem. Florida is proving to myself that I am worthy of doing things for myself, not just others. Crossing that finish line is a declaration to myself that I AM WORTHY.

Professionally: I’ve stepped into my greatness. Sharing my healing journey will allow me a spot in some creative channels. I will do a TedX (message being Awareness Saved my Life). I will raise awareness with events related to Mental Wellness, Domestic Violence or Emotional Abuse. I will be a guest speaker at schools to help students Be Your Own Hero. I will offer one-on-one coaching services (performance coaching & life coaching). I will expand my business of Letters to Heal. I will be a respected published writer on various websites related to wellness and lifestyle. I might also jump into the Zumba space and/or corporate space with workshops for being a conscious leader.

Personally: I want to give my heart to someone worthy. I want to build a life with someone that celebrates whilst protecting my softness. Someone in control but never controlling. Someone that knows how to speak to my soul and will be my biggest cheerleader. Someone that inspires growth on all levels. All of these things because when I give my heart, I offer the same plus more.

Materialistically: I would like to own a piece of land with a garden. I would like the land to have a house to entertain a bed & breakfast. Nothing bigger than about 8 rooms. Food cooked will [mostly] come from the garden. I want to learn how to grow tomatoes and strawberries. I keep failing at growing these so it’s a lifestyle bucketlist thing.

But for now, I’m still working on getting all the garbage out of my heart so my soul can heal. I’m staying in my lane. I’m healing. I’m putting things in motion to share both my message and my magic…

The journey continues…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Family #Relationships #Vulnerability #Gratitude #SupportGroups #ChooseKindness #ChooseLove #SetGoals #WarriorOfLove #ProcessPain #MendABrokenHeart #IAmWorthy #JourneyToPeace

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