I am worthy.
I’m always mindful of the company I keep. I think that it’s super important to align myself with the right people. One could easily question what that looks like or what that means. But last night I was able to put a few feelings into proper thoughts. I was able to put those thoughts into words. But mostly, I was able to just smile when someone else was present as I peeled back a few layers.
When I open up about my abuse, my family abuse, I’m not looking for someone to ‘save me’. I’m looking for someone to just be present. I know that my situation is dysfunctional. I didn’t ask for it, nor did I create it. I just do the best that I can to deal with it. I do my best to embrace it. I do my best to understand it. For me, it’s important to understand it because, within the understanding, I find truths. The truths, once acknowledged, allow me to identify patterns. Patterns help me break cycles. No one wants to live like this. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone either. I owe it to myself to actively confront my past and make sure that it doesn’t affect my future.
So last night, I was asked a few questions that really made me think. I tend to have a ready-made answer for everything but this answer came in waves. Each wave reached another depth of my heart. Each wave chipped away at my walls. Each wave helped me be even more authentic than the moment just before.
The question: ‘Jess. How is this possible? … No one has taken you off the market. … How are you single?’
I guess I subconsciously did my habit of asking myself this question 5 times. I shared my thoughts, openly. He shared his. The conversation would shift and as each layer dissolved, I shared another truth. And then another. And then another.
Humor: ‘I date the wrong guys.’
Truth: I actively spent YEARS avoiding catching feelings. I never saw guys in consecutive days. My roster was either empty or had a handful of guys.
Defense: ‘I’ve been proposed to a few times.’
Humor: ‘I get sidetracked by grand gestures. I’m a sucker for grand gestures.’
Truth: I shared a story about George, the one that got away. Some of the things I shared were surface level but the important message was his grand gesture in December 2009. He felt some pain in my heart and showed up when I needed someone. Like, he really showed up on all levels without knowing and without being asked. He knew before I understood. He drove from NYC to Chicago to deliver a bunt cake and just be available during a massive earth-shattering life storm.
Acceptance: I was in denial about the dysfunction. I thought it was genuinely my fault.
Truth: I didn’t open up to friends about my family. I learned that telling people about the struggle in my heart resulted in additional drama. People offering the most absurd ‘solutions’ for my problems. I didn’t need people to solve my problems, I needed someone present whilst I sorted it out myself. I sometimes have conversations with myself and just need someone present whilst I ramble the words. Processing outloud is pretty effective and awkward but mostly effective.
Defense: I’m single by design. It’s my decision.
Truth: Family is such an important concept for me. I believe that when you marry, you marry the person AND their family. I only accepted the dysfunction to be abuse last year. Yes. Last year. This means that I was in the cycle for YEARS before I even understood I was being abused. After accepting that I was being abused, I had to understand that it’s not my fault. After understanding that it wasn’t my fault, I had to accept that my exposure to abuse didn’t make me broken, it made me resilient. My abuse highlit my inner strength, my ability to convert pain into love. I didn’t realise it at the time but a testament to me breaking an abusive cycle is that from the outside everyone thought I had such a perfect life. It’s easy to be a decent person when things are perfect… but being a decent person when your entire private world is dysfunctional, that’s pure inner strength. I broke the cycle without knowing it. And now it’s time to let go. This let go process has been super tricky. First, I had to acknowledge who was causing me harm. Rather than cut people out straight away, I offered time for others to adjust their behaviour. Since the time has come that behaviour has not changed, it’s not a matter of waiting, it’s a matter of accepting their terms and let go. April 15, 2018 is when my heart let go of my biological father and my biological brother. They know that I’ve let them go and that’s exactly why they are using my own mother to hurt me. I’m not ready to let go of my mommabear. My head says that she’s causing me pain but my heart still says that she’s being hurt. I’m not ready to declare a winner for this tug of war. Tilting the scale in the wrong direction could be devastating. One means that I’m allowing her to harm me and the other means that I’m an orphan. I think it’s incredibly unfair to be in this position and I’m doing my best to navigate with grace. And self-preservation…
Today, I accept that anyone I allow into my life is just as lucky to have space in my life as I am to have space in theirs. The scales are balanced and my self-worth is being restored thanks to my constantly expanding network of people helping me see my magic and beauty of my inner strength. I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for. I am a warrior of love. I am worthy.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Family #Relationships #Vulnerability #Gratitude #SupportGroups #ChooseKindness #ChooseLove #WarriorOfLove #ProcessPain #MendABrokenHeart #IAmWorthy #JourneyToPeace