As part of my rewiring process, I took a life coaching course. This course is covering a bunch of stuff that I consider basic but it’s almost as if I am learning myself for the first time. At the moment, I know not to trust the judgments of abusers but I’m still trying to figure out the depth of dysfunction – are they also abusive or just temporarily influenced by abusers (called fleas). Are my boundaries unreasonable or justified? The fact I have these questions means the situation is dysfunctional. It’s a red flag. I acknowledge that I’m processing with emotion and need to be mindful of my attachment. I am detached from my abusers but what about their flying monkey?
A recent conversation
Jess: Please stop talking about me to my abusers, biological father and biological brother. If they want to know something, they can contact me directly.
Her: you think everyone is abusive
J: you are not my secretary. let them contact me directly.
H: then you cannot talk about me to other people.
J: I try to talk to you directly but it’s impossible to have a rational conversation when they have twisted your mind and play with your heart. How many YEARS do I need to have the SAME conversation with YOU before you understand my need for healthy boundaries?
H: you’ll understand how hard it is to not talk about someone.
J: Whenever people ask me about you, I tell them that you are good and contact you directly.
H: They don’t message me.
J: I can only control what I say. I cannot control their actions. Would you like to see the messages? Again, please stop talking about me to my abusers.
H: well then do not tell me anything.
J: OK. so rather than respect a healthy boundary, your solution is for me to not talk to you? You are OK with the abuse? Dad stopped being my father in December 2009 when he put a loaded gun in my face. My heart only accepted that he is an abuser in April 2018. He is NOT my father, he is my abuser. In 2012, Michael decided that he didn’t want a sibling relationship and yet he still asks you about me? Why? If he cared, then why does he ask you rather than contact me directly? The ONLY reason they refuse to message me direct is that they know that I am no longer playing their game. They are cowards. They know I will take necessary means to have them thrown in jail if they step out of line. They know that I’ve identified them as abusers and have zero hesitation to protect myself.
H: I do not abuse you.
J: Do you understand emotional abuse? The reason why I ask you to NOT speak about me is because they are programming you to hurt me. They know you love me and by keeping me in the conversation, they keep you in an emotional state. They do not care about me. They hurt me. They are using you to hurt me.
H: That’s not true.
J: OK. You operate on a 4-day cycle. When you have to deal with them, you are hypercritical and downright mean to me. You call it dark days. I call it being an a-hole. You think I’m the enemy.
H: I never called you the enemy.
J: We go months without issue and once you bring them back into your world, all we do is fight. You start blaming me for things that have nothing to do with me. (I offered a specific example).
H: That’s a lie.
J: OK. Let’s call them and have a conversation with them. We can clear this up right now.
J: Circling back, can you please STOP talking about me to them. If they want to know something, they can contact me directly. They are trying to cause trouble and cause disharmony between us.
J: Ok. WHO quit her corporate job to support you through the divorce? WHO made an open offer of whatever you needed after the divorce? year of travel? buy you a house? WHO offered that? WHO brings you to new countries? WHO encourages you to volunteer? WHO forced you to sign up for a year worth of massages (self-care)? WHO tries to get you to eat healthy? WHO compliments you? WHO makes it home every year for summer AND Christmas? WHO makes time for you? WHO gives you presents just because? WHO (openly) told you about the engagement to help you prepare? WHO? If I’m such a terrible person, why am I the ONLY person that seems to support you.. consistently and for nearly 20+ years?! I do this because I love you. I want nothing from you other than know that your heart is at peace. What have they done? Other than cause disharmony, what have they done? How do they add value to your life? WHO creates the problems? WHO offers solutions? Think about it.
J: Exactly. My patience is running thin. If you want to continue to allow them to abuse you, that’s your issue. Not mine. BUT stop talking to them about me. They have you so twisted right now. Please stop talking to them about me. There is ZERO reason why my name comes up in conversation. ZERO.
Logically, I know she’s still in denial that they are abusive. Emotionally, it’s difficult to remain detached, I understand her internal struggle. It’s infuriating to know these comments made me question myself. I identified a disconnect between my mind and heart. This exchange was difficult but it helps me identify where to focus the healing. It’s all part of the rewiring process.
The above is an example of a trauma bond. She’s bonded to both a malignant narcissist and a psychopath. I’m bonded to her.
Our healing journeys are progressing at different rates.
* * *
To those suffering and keen to help yourself, I recommend VISUALDNA. Their quiz WHO AM I is quite telling. For me, I accept the result of openness and agreeableness. The conscientiousness is low because I trust and follow my intuition (when rational, my intuition is flawless) but intuition is not tested so this result can be easily questioned. And for neuroticism… that’s a relief because I still feel absolutely unbalanced. Perhaps the storm within is raging but I have complete control of what I allow on the outside. A few days ago, I made a self-depreciating comment that I was confrontational. My self-harming comment was immediately shut down and I was told that I am extremely pleasant. This low % reinforces that I’m operating normal in a highly dysfunctional situation.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyDysfunction #FamilyAbuse #PsyhologicalWarfare #HealthyBoundaries #JourneyToPeace #VisualDNA