Worth a look. Worth a comparison.
Rather than write letters of gratitude. I looked inward. I searched for my reaction or response. I wanted to compare notes. I needed to see IF I was actually progressing. I needed to validate if I am still healing. Am I reacting the same way? Is the rewiring working? Has my response changed? Assuming I broke the PR hat, is the storm within the same as the storm outside?
Last October, my USA based support network was compromised. I called a girlfriend. “I need a friend. I dunno what’s wrong with me. My heart is breaking. Do you have a few minutes? I need your help…” “Aw Jess, Of course, tell me. How can I help?” “This is what’s happening….” “Man, they don’t hit but when they hit, they hit HARD.” I remember that conversation very well. This friend is a pure soul. She is fearless in standing up for things she believes in and she’s equally fearless in delivering words that need to be said. Not just the comforting words but the empowering words. The ones that hit you like a ton of bricks but you know it’s just because real friends are not enablers, they hold up mirrors and they force you to step up and out of your situation. I didn’t need someone to tell me it was OK, I needed someone to slap the sense back into me. I was weak to acknowledge a truth that I had been avoiding and she verbalised it for me. A seed was planted that day. A seed that I’ve been watering. The seed that my reality is different from others. A seed that I need to stop solving the problems of others. The seed that I need to stop putting myself in harm’s way to protect/comfort another person. A seed to stop destroying myself. A beautiful seed. A painful seed. A necessary seed.
Last week, similar situation. My USA based support network was compromised. I reached out to a dear friend, I sent a voice memo, “Hey. I dunno. I’m kind of struggling over here to be honest. I’m not trying to ignore you. I’m just really trying hard to keep it positive and not spew any of my pain or my heartache or any of my stuff to other people. To be honest, I’m failing. I’m being sensitive to people’s comments. I’m snapping back and hurting myself by not (sigh) um, not looking at the big picture. I’m feeling kind of alone because people are not supporting me the way I want them or need them to support me. I’m trying to be in observe mode rather than… kind of… I’m just trying to accept things as they are. I’m all over the place. I am little bit emotional. So please do not take my distance or anything the wrong way. I am reading your messages. I love you tremendously. You are one of my favourite people in the entire world. I’m just. Umm. I dunno how to find the sunshine today. Umm… just give me a few days and I’ll reach out… ok…? I’m sending you my love..” My friend maintained his presence. He didn’t ask for specifics. Just continued as normal. Sending me funny videos and memes to touch my heart. Open invite if I wanted to talk but mostly just giving me space as he knew I’d circle back once the dust settled.
There are a few evolutions worth acknowledging. During those 6 months, I bulked up my support network. I joined support groups. I removed about 1500 people with cloudy intentions from my social media and anyone directly connected to my biological father/biological brother. I got back into training. Started walking around a lake. Blogged. and went back to consuming books/articles like it was a full time job (I’m a huge reader). Sporadic volunteering. But mostly, my go-to tool was writing. That was the first tool I turned to help me process. The other tools were to prevent a tail spin into the darkness.
Am I where I want to be? No. But I’m a heck of a lot closer today than I was in October. I have so many goals that I’m not even sure which ones to share anymore! I know that my light is getting brighter. I know that I’m getting stronger. I know that even my language is shifting.
Today, I thank myself for showing up and riding the wave. It sucked. It was tough. BUT this was the first wave where I was not having an anxiety attack. I wasn’t replaying things in my head. I was allowing all sorts of emotions to come out. And for that simple fact, I am continuing to be gentle on myself.
Graceful. Protective. Strong. Humble. Healing.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #Rewiring #Healing #AwarenessBeforeChange #DanceInTheStorms #ProgressIsPerfection #IAmWorthy #Equanimity #Breathe #Build #JourneyToPeace