Sometimes I fail to find the silver lining

I pride myself on being able to find the silver lining in all situations. I take great joy in spreading love and positive vibes into the Universe. I’m even very mindful that talking about my pain will attract additional pain.

But what happens during the storm?  Sometimes I talk in code. I talk in code because I don’t have the right words. I do not know how to articulate what is happening. It’s a feeling that something is about to happen but I can never anticipate what it is exactly. I hope for the best and do what I can to mentally and emotionally carry myself through but there are times that I’m not strong. There are times that I’m simply human.

A storm is when I know that something bad is about to happen. I do not know from where or whom, I just know that something is about to happen. The storms can be anything that will test my ability to stay calm in the chaos. The only way to stay calm is to observe. To breathe. To remember that it’s all a game and the people causing the storm are trying their best to extract an emotional response from me. Do I allow them the satisfaction of knowing they got under my skin? Do I accept the words they share?Do I heed caution to the threats they make? Or do I simply smile and wish them a good day then go back to my magical life? Do I give them a choice with clear consequences? Do I remember to breathe and that it’s just a fleeting moment that has ZERO power over me?

I’m far from perfect but sometimes I fail at reminding myself of the game. I fail at staying peaceful. I allow the storm to sweep me off my feet. My heart runs away from my mind and I find myself in an emotional state of being. Pure Emotion. Raw Emotion.

I know that I’ve written about my cycle and also my threshold of the number of abusers I can handle at once. Previously, it would take me 3 weeks to recover from an emotional or mental abuse attack. Now it takes me 18 hours.

Perhaps I’ll share how I was able to reduce this cycle. It’s very interesting to say the least. I am apprehensive about sharing this cycle without using specific examples of abuse. How can I talk about abuse without talking about the abuser? Is this when I have to put my PR hat back on? Is this where I have to tiptoe around the obvious? Can I share the abuse without people trying to play connect the dots? Is my message on healing being heard? Did I demonstrate enough patience? Is my anger justifiable? Is my focus correct? Why am I thinking about other people? My blog is for MY healing and removing whatever is buried in MY heart.

What happens at that exact moment that I’m thrown a curve ball and forced to accept a reality that falls outside of Jess World (in case you don’t know by now, Jess World is a magical place where everyone is a kind human being that demonstrates love and understanding towards one another).

So what happens when I’m in the midst of a wave of abuse and exceed my threshold of 3 abusive people? What happens when I get overwhelmed?

It’s not pretty. Perhaps I’m still being hard on myself because I acknowledge that I get lost in emotion and being in an emotional state does not allow me to see things clearly. I can be in emotional situations and see clearly but the times that my emotions take over, I’m reminded of areas to focus my healing.

When I’m in a state of pain rather than a state of love. That’s the softest part of me. The moment that I’m out of balance. The moment that I see a specific moment as permanent rather fleeting. The moment that I forget the only mission for a narcissist is to extract an emotional response out of me but in my world, I thank them for being my hardest teacher.

The moment I expose my emotions in public. This is a rare moment but it happens. It happened recently. Even though my words are saying that I failed, it’s a MASSIVE WIN. At least in my heart, it’s progress…

The fact that I can acknowledge that I’m in an emotional state rather than just projecting my pain onto others is progress. The fact that I can observe myself and identify WHY something has bothered me is progress. I do not get upset by things that most people get upset by. I feel things on a deeper level so when I express something it’s only after evaluating a situation with ALL my senses… all.of.them.

I will admit that I recently got emotional. I was able to accept abusive bullying/threats from more than 3 people simultaneously (I’ve increased my threshold). I’ve also been able to keep the focus on accepting a new flaw (I cannot tell the difference between a friend and a foe – my rose coloured lens is causing me pain). I will admit that making myself vulnerable sucks but through the struggle, it’s helped me build more authentic connections with others (I feel blessed each time that someone bears their soul to me because it means they trust me). The biggest lesson in this last emotional wave is that not everyone has pure intentions and does NOT deserve multiple chances (I was bullied then threatened by a married couple online. I should have just blocked them at the start and went on my way but I allowed it to continue because they were people from my childhood). And from that, I run a risk of being named on a bully website. For what? Defending myself? Taking a stand AGAINST bullying? I’d personally enjoy shaking the hand of a lawyer that takes that case. I’d love to get inside their head to ask how many hits need to be absorbed before holding someone accountable in public? I’d love to understand options for people being bullied (options with results. operative concept being WITH results).

Through this current wave, the back of my hair went up. I was confrontational. Being confrontational (to me) means that I didn’t feel safe. If I’m in pain then I’m still seeking to understand, if I’m confrontational, it means that my heart does not feel safe. I stepped back to evaluate my surroundings. I accept that I’m still rewiring. Who is in my space? What are my exposures? Are the threats real or is this old pain that is surfacing?

Each moment is an opportunity to learn. Dismiss the teacher and look inward. Understand. Ask me the 5 questions of WHY?

Only then, do I get through the wave. Easy to say and challenging to execute. I’ve been successful in this process of deduction and will continue to focus on this practice. Only then will all the abusers start to fade away…

The journey continues. The healing continues. The quiet allows me to seek out my well-wishers and Guardian Angels.

Today I took a walk around a lake, unplugged from social media, wrote 10 letters of gratitude, and complimented random people at the store. All measures (tools) to bring myself into the present moment so I could find the silver lining in the current storm.

I’d love to hear from you! Feel free to drop a comment below to share how you bring yourself out of an emotional state and back to the present. More specifically, how do you ground yourself?

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #RoughEdges #Emotional #StateOfMind #Anicha #Equanimity #Observe #Breathe #MasterTheMind #JourneyToPeace

 

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