I’ve been having a number of conversations with people these last few weeks. Perhaps this is a testament to being back in the flow…
Mindfulness. Attachment. Expectations. Cups of Love. Give mode. Projections.
One of the conversations I would like to share has been my desire to be mindful without being cynical. To see things as they are. To accept people in their current state. To not have expectations, even when my only ask is for human decency. Zero expectations. But also not assuming that people will take advantage. Can someone actually take advantage if my cup is full? If they take something from me, then perhaps it’s just the Universe teaching me about attachment.
Nothing is permanent. Don’t get attached. Connectedness without attachment.
I struggle to apply this to people. I rarely attach happiness to people because I find people to be inconsistent. I am happy when I see others experiencing joy but I do not connect my happiness to another being. If that makes sense.
I do not understand why people say “You make me happy”. That’s recipe for mismanaged expectations right there. So much expectation. I actually pull away when I hear those words. Am I sabotaging myself? Perhaps. I want to be responsible for my happiness and I hope that others can be responsible for theirs without putting that pressure on my shoulders.
Growing up with a family that is basically self-serving, it’s amazing to me that I continue to view things through a rose-coloured lens. This lens was my secret weapon for survival for many years. It served me well as I danced around the world and conditioned my mind to find the silver lining in all situations. My approach is the same but the words have changed slightly.
Good and Bad are now Well-Wisher and Teacher. Light and Dark are now Joy and Healing. Fingers that pointed inward are now hands holding up firm boundaries.
The most beautiful part of life is that moment when boundaries are not needed. Everyone in your space understands the requirement of humanity. To mind themselves and be a vessel for love, only love. Personal responsibility to project kindness. Be someone that creates value and leaves the world a better place. When people are in this mindset, boundaries are not needed.
I accept that, at this moment, my world is not in that space. I’m still surrounded by teachers. I’m still healing. It feels as if the healing chapter is taking longer than previously because I’m experiencing tremendous growth.
I do not assume that people that have previously abused me will continue to abuse me. Part of the prolonged healing is because of my faith that they have changed. If they continue to cause harm, my heart breaks that they are failing at managing their own pain. If they have healed themselves, then my heart beats harder in support that they have taken personal responsibility to be better people.
Until these people reach the point of personal responsibility, then boundaries are necessary. No judgments. Just observation.
Enforcing boundaries is not assuming they will cause harm. It’s hoping they will not whilst being in a position to remember self-care. Part of self-care is not allowing others to cause harm to me.
The last decade, people have changed roles from family to abusers, friends to abusers, and givers to takers. I honestly think they have changed. I need to believe that they changed. The alternative is that my eyes have opened. I’ve become mindful and only now seeing them for what they are. My heart breaks to think they were never family, friends or givers. To think they were always abusers or takers is a truth that I’m not ready to accept.
Did it takes years for them to change or did it take years for me to see?
Last night, someone said that I need to fight fire with fire. I understand this but do not completely agree. I tried to treat people the same way they treated me and I hated myself. I couldn’t sleep. I was breaking out like a teenager. I was sick to my stomach at the thought I was causing harm to someone. So I stopped giving people a dose of their own medicine. I just removed myself from the situation.
Today, I struggle with the idea that setting boundaries is fighting fire with fire. Confronting abusive behaviour is fighting fire with fire. It’s not (rationally) but it feels like it (emotionally).
If the intention is to educate others, then it’s pure. If the secret hope is that behaviour changes so I don’t even have any lessons to share, then it’s hopeful.
Hoping for the best whilst expecting the worst. Public sharing is a form of enforcing boundaries. Expecting people to be decent human beings is still an expectation. But why is expecting human decency so incredibly difficult for some to achieve?
People are suffering. It took years to change roles. It wasn’t overnight. And to change back will also take time. My sharing is not intended to bully an abuser. I am not fighting fire with fire.
My intention is to protect myself.
My intention is to increase awareness.
My intention is to break the silence on domestic violence.
The brighter the light the darker the dark.
My eyes are open to this current storm. One of the abusers just started his games.
I don’t want to know what it will take for them to open their eyes. At this point, it’s a conscious decision to cause harm. I have tried to address abusive behaviour for over a decade (behind closed doors). Why would I expect things to change now? It’s all part of the game.
Hurt people are NOT allowed to hurt me or people I care about. The selected target (mom) needs to be reconsidered. I promised a single warning shot on facebook but my next example will outline the entire control cycle. I’m going off nearly 2 decades of abusive behaviour so I find it VERY difficult to accept that this person has in fact changed. Abused Jess hesitates. Woke Jess realised that it’s just another game being played. My next post will break my mom’s heart because once I hit publish, she will be forced to accept that 2 people are not only abusing me but they are also abusing her.
Mindfulness without Cynicism… Holding myself Accountable… Emotionally Detached to Monsters… Being bullied into silence…
When the abuse is directed to me, I have ZERO hesitation. When it’s directed at someone I care about, I have to question if it’s my story to expose. It is indirectly affecting me so it would be useful to show the depth of [family] manipulation. For those that do not understand narcissism, this will highlight the depth of the evil. Narcissists do not have souls. This abuser is banking on me naming him so he can play the victim. Again, part of the game. Do I continue with my plan of exposing the manipulations as they crop up OR do I step back as doing so plays into the game? Perhaps the game in itself is to remain emotionally detached, completely.
MIndfulness without Cynicism. Seeing things as they are. It’s not cynical, it’s honest. It’s brutal. It’s exposing Corvo cruelty.
Rest assured, this isn’t me softening to abusers. This is me being mindful of the consequences one I hit publish. Mom is already in a fog of hope. So there is a good chance that I lose her support if I choose to hit publish.
Decisions. Decisions. I’m going to sleep on it. The article is written, it’s just a matter of do I hit publish?!
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Family #FamilyAbuse #DomesticViolence #Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #PsychologicalWarfare #Boundaries #ToxicPeople #Dysfunctional #Mindfulness #Cynicism #Faith #SilverLining #Anicha #Equanimity #ExposeTheToxic #JourneyToPeace