Am I still in pain?

There were so many thoughts and feelings during my morning training session.

In the pool, it was a series of gratitude, disappointment, then gratitude to people that have tested my loyalty to myself (notice I didn’t say people that hurt me). The theme being self-love.

On the bike, it was a series of thoughts related to being in Warrior mode vs Race mode. Warrior means combative and assuming the worst from others. Race is confident and assuming the best from me. The theme being focus.

Then a conversation with a messenger. An angel on Earth. He asked me a few questions. (worth mentioning that there are only a handful of people that I allow in my space before 10am. This time is sacred. It’s my building time. Self-care time. Self-love. Me time. The people allowed in this space MUST have honorable intentions). This exchange was good for my heart… The questions planted a seed and really made me think.

Are you still in pain? 

My immediate response was, ‘No. I’m not in pain. I believe that the pain is over, now I’m just being tested on my healing.’ To say the words before actually thinking about it. I know I missed his meaning. The intention was for me to think. Thinking is the devil’s playground. The whole purpose of my writing is to purify my heart so I don’t have to think. I don’t have to worry if my words are to build or break because I know they are always building. But am I still in pain?

The short answer is no. The long answer is, I’m not sure.

I still flip-flop when thinking about abuse.

The flip. Acknowledging that people that cause me harm are hurting. ‘Hurt people, hurt people.’ They hurt others because they are failing at managing their own pain. Causing harm to others is the only way they know how to deal with their own pain. This is the humanity in abuse.

The flop. I’m a strong person but my strength has its limits. I cannot help others at the cost of my wellness. If something is causing me harm, then it has to stop.

The flip. Movie quote from Danny Glover (Almost Christmas) “Our purpose in life is to help others. If you cannot help them, at least do not hurt them.”

Am I still in pain? I know that they cannot hurt me anymore BUT I’m still hurting myself. I’m healing myself. I’m talking about it. I’m writing about it. I’m racing in triathlons around the world to promote it. I’m setting healthy boundaries. I’m holding people accountable. I’m not actively seeking others out, I’m acknowledging whatever crops up. I sit with it for a minute. I look for the lesson. I write it out. Then I release it (try to at least). I understand people causing harm to me will think that by me standing up for myself is hurting them. My only question: if a hurt person is choosing to hurt me, how is protecting myself wrong?

Am I upset with the lessons that crop up? I don’t think so. I’ve been observing my body, mastering my mind. I do not experience an elevated heartbeat. My skin is not crawling. My breathing is stable. I do, however, experience cowering shoulders, a racing mind, a pinch in my chest when I hit ‘publish’. For a quick moment, I have to remind myself that I can love someone whilst expecting them to come at me with love and kindness. I have to remind myself that if someone is causing me harm, they are an abuser, not family. For that, I acknowledge that I’m still concerned that hitting publish is causing harm to others and I have to remind myself that sharing actual stories is not causing harm, it’s shedding light. It’s shedding light on the dark places that most people prefer to ignore.

I am nobody but I am enough.

Am I still in pain? No, I’m just strengthening a tool to help me better carry the burden. My tool is writing. I know there is great power in my words. I choose to use my words to build. And for that, I hope my readers are people searching for constructive ways to manage their own pain. Sharing with others is a way to reduce the burden. No one should experience certain pain. No one should suffer alone. Sometimes the burden is too much to carry.

Am I still in pain? My pain is not the abuse. My pain is accepting that the people hurting me have a choice to accept their behaviour and be better. My pain is acknowledging that I’m not good enough for those people to treat me right.

Am I still in pain? Yes. My pain isn’t the words or the games. My pain is acknowledging that people I thought loved me, simply don’t. My pain is acknowledging that I need to redefine what is love. My pain is acknowledging the inner work I need to do before I can receive love (real love). My pain is knowing that I keep people at arm’s length because I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved. My tears fell watching the movie, “I can only imagine”. Tears fell, not because of the abusive father. My tears fell because I need to accept that my biological father is incapable of light, love, & healing. There is no miracle. To acknowledge that makes me a horrible daughter. That causes me great pain. To judge someone. To have over a decade of examples of him hurting me and giving up on his ability to be a decent human being. That truth is what hurts. It’s not the abuse. The truth that my biological father is not a father, he’s a monster. The truth that I’m not worthy of being loved by a parent. The truth that I cannot think of how/what I need to do to mend this relationship.

Am I in pain? Yes. But the pain is in acceptance. Not abuse. It’s acceptance that this is not my battle to fight. I have to let it go and just let the good Lord handle this one. (I’m not religious so that last sentence has a certain weight to it). That’s the biggest pain in my heart. At least today, I question if I’m a terrible daughter. Today, I question why I am unworthy of being loved by a parent. Today I remind myself that it wasn’t my fault. His pain is not my responsibility. His treatment towards me has nothing to do with me.

I am nobody but I am enough.

Check out my story words to build. words to break.  It’s incredible because last week, I pumped out 89k words (echo). In November, it was purging my thoughts/feelings. This time, it was because a handful of dysfunctional people came out to play so I used their behaviour as content for my blog. I used their attempt at manipulation as examples to help others. Affirmation that a shift has occurred.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #DomesticAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #PsychologicalWarfare #Rewiring #Building #SelfCare #SelfLove #Family #Relationships #LetGoAndLetGod #JourneyToPeace

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