I cannot stop thinking about how I’ve felt completely broken, unworthy, and useless. I know that these are effects of gaslighting but I didn’t know what was truth for a while. It’s as if I lost sight of WHO I am. I read and reread my homepage to remember my inner light. I read the Facebook timehop to look for clues on my emotional processing. I read messages in my old yearbooks. Heck, I even dug through a stash of old letters where I consoled friends going through a break up (junior high was traumatic for some). Was comparing old Jess with new Jess? Perhaps I was trying to remember what it meant to have a non-jaded view of the world…
I haven’t really compared myself to others. Ego prevents me from doing such things. Part thinks that I’ve been through more than the average person in Chicago and part knows that I’m still extremely privileged compared to the average person in South East Asia. So comparing myself to anyone other than previous versions of myself is useless.
A few nights ago I had a dream. I had a dry spell of not remembering my dreams and then all of the sudden I had multiple in a single night. I was even dreaming during my afternoon naps. My subconscious was screaming. Some of the messages were clear that I needed to continue to build skills to be useful (some dreams; friends were asking for help and my arms were missing or my feet were stuck to the ground).
The dream that I want to acknowledge (and share) is about my journey. At least I think it’s about my journey. It’s my subconscious acknowledging the shift, chaos, distractions, healing, self-preservation, blessings, and peace.
I was riding my bike, Rocky. I was wearing gym shoes rather than cleats. I left the cleats at Dad’s. I was riding from Dad’s house to Mom’s house. Some places were familiar whilst others were not. I stopped at a fast food restaurant to see a friend. Before I knew it, the sun went down and it was 742pm. I jumped on my bike and then the road. The highway was covered in snow. I stop on the side of the road. I open my bag to look for my cleats. A group of cross country runners pass by. They just returned from a competition in Australia. They ask me for help. I’m laughing and sharing information. Rocky (my bike) tires turn into fat tires. I’m on highway 74 (?!). I’ve never heard of highway 74 but I somehow know it’s the right path. The snow makes it difficult to pedal but I’m managing. I need to make it to mom’s house.
I’m not entirely sure what all the details stand for but my best guess is that they are positive affirmations that I’m stronger than I think. I’m resilient. I’m encountering some hardship but it won’t last. Nothing lasts. So just keep going and eventually, everything will fall into place…
It’s time to talk about the times I’ve danced in the storm… and share my dancing partners. I call them white witches. They helped me redefine family. They stepped up when others stepped out. They are my bright lights. They are love bugs and held up a mirror to help me remember that I’m a love bug too…
The next sharing might make you cry. But this time with happy tears…
But for now, I celebrate that my subconscious and conscious are in alignment. The messages are understood and welcomed. I finally reached alignment via writing. Those who know, understand what a phenomenal moment this is. I’ve been able to achieve alignment via sports and meditation… and now I’ve achieved it via writing. My insides are one. This dream was the message to acknowledge the chapter.
#WhyIwrite #MentalWellness #JourneyToPeace #Alignment #TrustTheProcess