I dove into reading. An attempt to make sense of these waves. Internally, it’s near breaking point. Externally, I’m no longer conscious of who is on my path. Everyone is being treated as a lesson, not a friend, not family, not athletes… but teachers.
I love learning. I love when people hold up mirrors. I know that I attract the energy that I am. I feel blessed that I’m attracting a number of people asking how to help or how to be of service. It’s humbling. It’s also an affirmation that I’m on the path.
I’ve been trying really hard to maintain healing from heart center. Where is the line of caring for others before myself? Is there a line? Once I am surrounded by the right souls, then lines are not needed. Boundaries simply do not exist. Everyone is adding value and awakening me in a different way.
Awakening by repeating something that I wrote.
Awakening by simplifying a complex purge.
Awakening by testing something that I thought I had learned.
My recent wave was testing my forgiveness and ability to see the perspective of others. I figuratively poked the bear by posting a snarky reflection about International Women’s Day. The comment was releasing my inner beast. I was tired of the ignorance and wanted to bring awareness to people raising monsters. Supporting people should happen 365 days/year, not just on IWD! I justified my comment as being a speaker of truth. I still struggle with the concept of ‘the only way for evil to win is for men to do nothing.’ If I know injustices are being done, it’s morally wrong for me to bite my tongue. Spiritually, it’s a toss-up. Setting boundaries attract people (disguised as lessons) to allow me the opportunity to set boundaries.
My ego isn’t dissolved just yet as I still think I’m able to inspire people to improve. Who am I to think that I hold such power? A new contact in Pakistan operates from his root chakra. It’s evident in the nature of pictures he posts and ‘depth’ of discussion topics. His insistence to send topless pictures and make objectifying comments on my posts was nauseating. When I set a boundary, he lashed out. I expected it. Wished him well and thanked him for the momentary crossing of paths. (easy release) An old contact in India was testing my resolve to myself. He served his purpose and the lesson was realised. He acted in a manner that caused me to remove his access to my space. Different paths. I accept with love. A few months later, he reached out. I act with love but do not allow him into my space. Last week, he contacted me once again. This time asking why I let the friendship go. Intuitively, I knew better than to explain. I knew his motives. But my ego got in the way and I genuinely thought it was worthwhile to explain. I asked bluntly about his intentions then stopped myself. His defensive response indicated that he’s operating from an emotional state so it would be impossible to have a rational discussion. As much as it pains me that he’s hurting, I cannot help him. He needs to find his own way. (medium release) Similarly, a high school contact is a life coach of sorts. Admittedly, I do not follow her work or know much about her business. She commented about being sexually abused at the age of 12 and openly criticised my healing (and revealing) journey. I absorbed all her venom with love and asked questions. It didn’t stop so I opted to send her a message to ‘close the circle with positive intention’. She surfaced 5 months later with more compliment sandwiches and deleted her public criticisms on my healing journey (I suspect it was bad for business?). My heart goes out to her clients. No one actively healing should ever be subjected to criticism. Her reemergence gave me an opportunity to see if I’m still operating from heart center. Christine is the most aggressive of the current wave of lessons. The answer is yes. Sassypants Jess came out with, ‘please leave me alone otherwise I will be forced to use this exchange as a public lesson.’ I know if I post in my current emotional state, my intentions are anything but pure. She deserves my love but I find it difficult to show kindness to aggressors. The ironic part is the aggressive people are those needing the most love, right? Anyways, this points out a valid point that I’m still unresolved with Dad. If direct aggression is a trigger then there is still inner work to be done. So if anything, I should be thanking Christine for unintentionally pointing out this weakness. (medium release)
My ability to find the silver lining in a toxic situation is baffling. It’s a true testament to the strength of my heart. I’m still coming from heart center. Activating kundalini works best when you are grounded in your peace. So these 3 people have tested my inner peace and ability to see them as hurting people, rather than abusive people. (I’m actually really strong with seeing humanity first, but I’ll give them credit for the spot check).
I’ve been reading a lot on kundalini awakening. It’s been a topic of both my conscious and subconscious minds. My dreams are sprinkled with people from my past needing help. Seems the theme is they are being attacked. I’m there but I don’t have the tools to help. To me, this means that I’m being called to help and I need to deep dive into how. Build new skills. A few healing groups are active with inquiring about activating their kundalini and just today, I was looking up yoga and the #3 video was an easy intro to Kundalini Yoga. The Universe is giving me lots of messages. (thank you)
The weather is not perfect but it’s manageable for outdoor training. I’m at peace (and grounded) when training outdoors. My biggest realization is a few days ago, I posted on social media asking for help to maintain focus during indoor training. I slip into race mode with great ease when I’m outdoors and struggle to maintain race mode indoors after 80mins. The reason was recently revealed, my sensitivity. I have more things to work through when training indoors. The energy from the machines. The energy from the people. The energy from the music. The energy from each machine’s television screen. So much energy to process. No wonder I’m exhausted after 80min. I’m shocked I lasted that long. Outdoor training is throwing grounding energy into my being. Indoor training is bleeding my grounding energy. My intention is to observe. Not control but observe. My autopilot outdoors is once someone enters my mind, I list positive qualities about them until they leave. And then when the next person enters, I repeat the same process. Positive qualities, gratitude and let go. Eventually, the people stop visiting and I’m embracing the warmth of the sun, the crispness of the air, the sound of the birds, the cars all give way, people are smiling and being considerate. I’m in my flow state.
Achieving the same flow state indoors, challenge accepted. I’ll bring earplugs for the next few weeks… Minimise the distractions to be in observe mode as I continue to harness the explosive energy of my kundalini awakening. The storm will subdue once I fully surrender.
Just then I’m reminded of one of the greats; OSHO. I googled KUNDALINI and he pops up. People who search for kundalini also search for OSHO. Perfect. His words resonate in a way that cannot be expressed with words. Just lots of feels. Observer. Watcher. Witness.
“I’m simply saying that there is a way to be sane. I’m saying that you can get rid of all this insanity created by the past in you. Just by being a simple witness of your thought processes.
It is simply sitting silently, witnessing the thoughts, passing before you. Just witnessing, not interfering not even judging, because the moment you judge you have lost the pure witness. The moment you say “this is good, this is bad,” you have already jumped onto the thought process.
It takes a little time to create a gap between the witness and the mind. Once the gap is there, you are in for a great surprise, that you are not the mind, that you are the witness, a watcher.
And this process of watching is the very alchemy of real religion. Because as you become more and more deeply rooted in witnessing, thoughts start disappearing. You are, but the mind is utterly empty.
That’s the moment of enlightenment. That is the moment that you become for the first time an unconditioned, sane, really free human being.”
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