I’ll admit it, I isolate myself

I’ve been thinking about my 3-week cycle. I’ve been thinking about WHY I push people away. I’ve also been thinking about deep and meaningful connections. And then also how social media has made the world crazy by amplifying emotional (vs rational) reactions to just about everything.

About 10 years ago social media platforms started popping up. I was on MySpace and shared my quirky side. Most of my posts were sexualised by others but I was able to also make a few phenomenal friends that I would not have otherwise met. I was able test the waters in a space that I was unfamiliar. I was able to build a thicker skin and fine tune my ‘are you interested in what I have to say or just how I look’ radar.

Jumping forward, I’ll admit that Facebook and Instagram have become an important part of my life. It’s not just for sharing but for learning. Learning about others and mostly learning about myself. I know that my perspective is in the minority and I’m OK with that. I actually embrace (and dare I say CELEBRATE) being a square peg in a round hole. Social media gives me an opportunity to evolve. I say this because of a dirty habit. I delete people. I can honestly say that I was not sure if I was just overly emotional or why I delete people. But I did, I do and I will most likely continue to do so.

So to understand this habit, I started asking myself why. Why am I deleting people? Asking WHY 5 times usually gets you to the root cause of actions. So I’m going to ask myself why 5 times and share my thinking process with you.

(Question WHY #1) Jess, why do you delete people?

They did something to upset me. Most likely, I was expecting something and they didn’t meet my ‘ridiculously high standards’ of support (translation: I was hurt). Easier to delete than to explain.

(Question WHY #2) Jess, why do you have high expectations?

I don’t really think that I have high expectations. I’m in constant give mode and the ONE time that I ask for something, I do not understand why is it so difficult to do it. It’s not like I ask for much. So why is asking for ANYTHING wrong? I would do it for them, why aren’t they treating me with the same love?

(Question WHY #3) Jess, why do you associate doing things with love?

It’s not a matter of associate doing things and love. It’s a matter of being helpful and useful. It’s a matter of understanding [me]. It’s a matter of not patting me on the head and saying ‘you’ll get there, just believe in yourself’ (that’s a super dick move when someone asks for help). If I believed in myself, then why ask for help? Maybe it’s just easier to just do it myself.

Screen Shot 2018-03-08 at 12.58.10 PM(Question WHY #4) Jess, why do you feel misunderstood?

It’s my fault. I created a situation where people forget that I’m human and I have feelings. I feel everything. It’s not just the words, it’s how they are said. It’s not just the actions, but how it’s executed. It’s not just the thoughts but the vibes… I pick up on things that most wouldn’t. Maybe that’s what makes me crazypants? Or is it a blessing and allows me to ‘just know’ how to relate to others.

 

(Question WHY #5) Why do you think that you are crazypants?

Screen Shot 2018-03-08 at 12.58.33 PMBecause I am. I have been through mental and emotional abuse to a point where I don’t even know what is normal anymore. I don’t think that I should ever have to ask for help. (I think a majority of people stopped being decent human beings). I lived with someone also in give mode without a single fight/disagreement for TWO YEARS. I know it’s possible. The flow is magical. I know, first hand, there are more people like me. Give mode. Our cups are filled with love. But there are also a lot more people that take. When I have to ask for help, it’s usually because I’ve been overwhelmed with takers. And asking for help from a taker is probably my biggest mistake at the moment. When I ask for help, my abuse is reinforced (people not helping is an action that reinforces when abusers tell me that my existence is a burden). When I push people away it’s because I want to be abandoned on my terms, not theirs (each person that I’ve opened up to about my abuse one-on-one has eventually turned their back on me rather than try to understand me. Last decent people in my life were my Grandfathers and now my Great Aunties/Jim Daddy). I don’t know how to tell someone they have hurt me without them trying to invalidate my emotions (another reinforcement of abuse. Abusers have unrealistic expectations of perfection). I’m not perfect. I have never tried to be. I’m authentic. I get hurt and I’m to a point of saying GOOD RIDDANCE to anyone that makes me feel guilty for speaking up for myself. Maybe I’m still learning how to process emotions. Maybe I’m a professional at processing but I’m still learning how to express myself? Maybe I’m perfectly authentic and just judging others for nothing? Maybe I’m feeling disconnected because I’m in the minority of what it means to be decent? Maybe it’s a matter of a dysfunctional ‘norm’? Maybe I got lost playing by their rules rather than my own? Maybe it’s just a matter of building a more supportive community? Or maybe I AM just crazypants. Today I feel like the saddest girl in the world. And I push people out before my sadness gets exposed… I push people out because the emotional and mental gymnastics to consider otherwise is exhausting. Maybe pushing people out makes me a cliche, “We don’t put up walls to keep people out but we put up walls to see who cares enough to climb.”

Everyone loves the ray of sunshine

but who brings me a box of tissue

and says “How can I help?”

It’s easier to push people out than it is to be understood. It’s easier to attract the right energy rather than teach the old. Maybe my healing is why I work on a 3-week cycle? I’m not entirely sure. BUT I am aware of this and doing my best to fix myself. So to anyone that I have pushed out and has come back, thank you for loving me, understanding me and most importantly giving me space to ‘figure it out.’ There is never a loss of love, just an attempt to manage the exact opposite, an overflow of feelings. All the feelings.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Isolation #MentalAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Abuse #Recovery #PerfectlyImperfect #BullInAChinaShop #Gratitude #SelfReflection #SelfLove #GiveLove #BeLove #AcceptLove #Empath #HighlySensitivePerson

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