Letter of Gratitude: Brokenness & Self-Care

Dearest Dan,

I was in the market for a new lover. My roster has been cleared for quite some time and I knew I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. At least not in what society dubs as a conventional relationship. Taking on a lover is a non-committal commitment. It’s not physical but it is. It’s not spiritual but it is. It’s not emotional but it is. Lovers are everything and nothing all in one. I take on a lover when my soul needs to learn something. Being in ‘Be Mode’, I thought I knew what my soul needed but you provided something much bigger (and better).

I was thinking that I needed to test myself on integrity. Words vs actions. I’ve been clouded by other’s messy intentions for quite some time and needed to dip my toe back into the water to trust others and test myself (reaction vs response). You were a perfect selection as your execution is without question (thank you US Marines) and your family story is also sprinkled with betrayal (kindred soul). Whether you want to admit it or not, our souls recognized one another.

When I give, I give fully. Not with expectation other than the utmost integrity from the receiver. Typically I get hurt when integrity is compromised and I lash out. Part of this chapter is purifying myself so I can accept the lesson and be grateful rather than unleash a fury of words that I cannot take back. #HumanityFirst

I allowed you into my heart, soul, and physical space. Only 3 people have experienced that combination in 2017; I question my healing before opening this space. If not healed, then I’d project things other than love towards others. Sharing energy becomes more particular once you realise what’s really happening.

There are sentiments that I haven’t been able to articulate but find purging words allows for a deeper level of understanding. One of the MANY gifts of my letters of gratitude is checking my purity of heart. Yes, I needed to test my reaction to questionable integrity of others but more importantly, I needed to test my own integrity. Was I able to be heart centered? Was I in free flow and trusting? Or did I have a single shred of apprehension? Was I successful in heeding caution of my intuition? (My intuition gets cloudy when emotions are involved. My heart is super powerful).

Thank you for reminding me of destruction towards others if emotions are not fully processed. Thank you for being a manifestation of resilience. Thank you for creating space for me to be in give mode. Thank you for reminding me of the depth of my love towards others. Thank you for reminding me of the purity of my heart (You held up a mirror that I’m no longer broken).

Thank you for showing me that some of life’s most important lessons are unexpected. Our exchange was a beautiful reminder that I shouldn’t always put people into boxes or give too quickly.

Thank you for being one of my favourite lessons thus far for 2018!

With love,
Jess

PS: Thank you for your selflessness to protect and serve our country.

#LetterOfGratitude #WednesdayGratitude #GratitudeWednesday #Gratitude #Lovers #Fighters #FailedPenpals

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