Healing starts with​ “No Contact”

I knew that sharing my story was a double-edged sword. The tougher the challenge, the sweeter the reward. I believe that with all my heart!

My deep dive into my pain did other things that I hadn’t planned. Perhaps it’s because of the same emotion? Perhaps it just proves that the secret to a happy life is a short memory? (I hadn’t thought of people that surfaced during this process in YEARS and then all of the sudden there they were… loud and proud).

The guys that tried to sleep with me. The girls that slept with my boyfriend. A girl that bleached my hair and charged me high-end salon rates. The friend that decided I wasn’t holy enough. The friend that owes me money. The other friend that bailed when I asked for help. The friends that lied. The friend that copied everything growing up. The friend that pretended to be a friend to gain my trust then tried making me feel like a $2 hooker (no offense to $2 hookers). The friend that asked me to be the maid of honor but when I told her that I had some family stuff that took priority she bailed (the irony is that she stonewalled me for 2 years prior to needing my help). This flood of memories just came crashing non-stop. This wave seemed to last for weeks. I couldn’t figure it out. There wasn’t any consistency in triggering these waves.

It was absurd. I didn’t want to stop it because I knew the more I resisted, the more harm for me. So I allowed it to flow. I did my best to observe. I started deleting people on social media. I tried to remember to cut chords (spiritual people will understand this one).

The lies. The anger. The name calling. The pain. It was all various levels of abusive behaviours.

The only thing these people had in common, they all walked away when I said “no”. I didn’t even give them a lesson, publicly out them, or call their parents. Well, a few parents were contacted but for the most part, I just said the heck with it and went back to my tropical island and lived a happy life.

When I called out friends for using me, they didn’t like it. (I guess I understand the offense they took).

I was no longer an ATM.

I was no longer the girl they could play with.

I was no longer the secret friend or the girl they emailed the night before their wedding day.

I stopped being a fountain of positivity.

I was no longer entertaining their questionable behaviour.

None of them were marriage material and very few had credentials to be a lover. It wasn’t sad. It was honest.  When I came home, it was to be with family. The limited people I saw outside of family had to be simple and make me laugh. The moment things were complicated, I was out. No time for nonsense. I used to be very quiet about family abuse so time ‘home’ needed to be as simple as possible.

And yet, 21 years of memories came flooding into my heart space at once.

Do you know what it’s like to turn to a trusted Uncle asking about dad’s drug usage? I wasn’t trying to spoil the party but I needed to know if the party drugs advanced from weed to coke. Considering dad had/has anger issues, one drug increased my chances of survival and the other didn’t (respectively). I asked questions out of necessity, not general interest. I forgive you for not protecting me from your best friend.

Do you know what it’s like to open up about abuse to a friend and then within minutes, they are misinterpreting my tears and thinking that shoving a penis in my personal space is meant to make me feel better? But that’s cool to be objectified by an alleged magical penis. I forgive you for being completely unacceptable.

Do you know what it’s like to literally have every single family member (except Grandfathers/Auntie, RIP 2009, RIP 2012, RIP 2017), think that I’m the reason for all troubles and yet, they pretend to the outside world that everything is OK? Michael estranges himself from me in 2012 (his choice, not mine) and yet his BEST FRIEND contacted me in 2016 asking that I send my brother a birthday greetings. His best friend. My heart had a moment of ‘heyyyyy he finally came around and this is an olive branch. I get my brother back! *happy dance* maybe he’ll come to Ironman next month! this is super exciting!’ and quickly turned into a ‘WHY did I get my hopes up? Why do I allow others to set me up?’ then a firm email telling his best friend that was harsh and extremely inappropriate to insist that I reach out to someone who has made it perfectly clear that he wants zero to do with me. I forgive you for re-victimizing me and subjecting me to unnecessary family abuse.

* * *

My younger life is riddled with some of the most dysfunctional people that I’ve ever met. On a good day, I can thank them because their games helped me navigate a sea of morally compromised individuals in my adult life. Familiar waters… Good thing I am basically a master swimmer. You know I completed Ironman in 12 hours, right? (fairly easy google search and you’ll find my name in IM Texas 2016 – race results).

I understand that I can view this as a circus or complete dysfunction. A trained therapist would also be able to correctly label the players as the narcissist, flying monkey, scapegoat… and I’d admit to having a codependency or perhaps a cortisol addiction. Thriving when running on adrenaline is not easy but it’s great for those 70hour work weeks. You know I was a corporate monkey that had responsibilities for 38 businesses across 73 countries, right? (Fairly easy google search and you’ll find my name on the boilerplate of numerous press releases).

But I’m barely managing at life? I’m broken? I haven’t added value? and my favourite… I’m lost?

Naw, I am fully aware of the consequences of this current chapter (processing pain). It could break me or it could make me into one of the strongest people ever. My money is on the latter… but I’m just going based on a fairly extensive track record of accomplishments. No ego. All truth. I haven’t even scratched the surface of my potential, I’m just getting started. As far as I’m concerned, everything up to this point was preparing me for this exact moment.

I’m exactly where I need to be. I am surrounded by the people that are meant to teach me something. My heart should be in time out but really, it hurts because it’s expanding. I’m growing. I’m getting stronger.

Healing only really starts after going “No Contact”. This is when I stopped needing my rose colored lens for survival and I started seeing people for what they were. I love everyone but if the love is not returned, then what makes you think you deserve space in my world?

I embrace these waves with love. I congratulate myself. The longer I go ‘No Contact’, the clearer the world becomes.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Healing #Purging #Boundaries #NoMeansNo #JourneyToPeace

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