My freewriting challenge is over. I’m conflicted on how to feel. Part of me feels a sense of satisfaction for completing such a [vulnerable] goal. It’s not easy to reveal my morning thoughts… especially when I am still re-wiring my mind from narcissistic abuse. I have good days but mostly, I still challenge my thinking. Not fun to lose sight of myself. Glorious lesson… If not for the narcissistic abuse then I would not have reached this new truth. A truth that finds confidence in removing my filter. I’ve had stages of really focusing on my tact and being responsive to my emotions.
The last few months, I would be the first person to admit to having an anger problem. In all honesty, my cup of self-love was low and I was surrounded by takers. So it’s understandable, especially when the only time I have actually had an emotional outburst has been when someone was being a sexual deviant OR criticizing my relationships with certain members of my family. Today, I can confidently tell myself that I’m perfectly normal. I have every right to stand up for myself. If I feel the need to defend myself, then I need to re-evaluate my company. Then I remind myself that the current relationship is no longer serving me and they are silently removed from my life. No discussion. No more chances. The decision is final. Closed chapter. Easy days.
A wise person once said, ‘you know you have evolved emotionally when you act differently in the same situation.’
This made me think about my evolution of how I deal with sexual deviants.
In high school and college, I had a boyfriend and a crazy overprotective father that was hugely unpredictable. Safe to say I was relatively immune to sexual deviants. First few years in Asia, I juggled 3 lovers so all my needs were sorted. Becoming a corporate monkey, I told interested parties that I was a lesbian or I was celibate. Very easy conversation stopper. Moving back to the USA has been a treat. I’m being pursued. I feel like I’m surrounded by sharks. It’s entertaining and exhausting. But mostly entertaining…
Last weekend, I was invited on a hiking trip with a friend. I use the term friend loosely because it’s a guy that is lusting over me. He doesn’t value my mind otherwise our conversations would have more depth. He doesn’t value my heart because he doesn’t ask about things I feel passionately about. He doesn’t value my spirit because he’s more on the scale of fuckery than value added. So on paper, there really isn’t a reason to entertain this friendship. But as part of the re-wiring process, I opt to challenge my intuition and give him benefit of the doubt. I outline boundaries for the hiking trip and proceed with caution. At the end of the day, as long as I’m not in physical danger, my risk factor is relatively high. Reading the absurdity in that last sentence, I have another thing to work on. Long story short, he agreed to terms of the trip verbally and via text. It took less than 8 hours before he was trying to cuddle and asked for a kiss (but it’s OK because the inquiry came with a ‘but I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable’). I cannot help but think to myself that the entire awkward situation could have been avoided had I just told him that I had herpes. Perhaps that claim would have spared me from having a partial erection thrust into my personal space.
I enjoy the fact that each reader will have a completely different viewpoint on my words up to this point. Whether or not I have herpes should not be the issue. In the grand scheme of things, I’m nobody and it shouldn’t matter anyways. The issue is the extremes that women have to go in order to be shown common courtesy. The issue is the blatant ignorance to respect boundaries. The issue is poor behaviour is never acceptable. And yet, there are SO many ways that society reinforces this behavior.
[female] newscaster: “The bar is high for any boy that intends on dating Pink’s daughter. He has to be kind, honest, supportive, and respectful…” Since when is requiring basic qualities for humanity setting a high bar for suitors? The news cracks me up!
[social media]: you are only complete once you have married and had children. And yet, every time I invite one of my critics to join me on a trip, the first line of excuses is I cannot because of my husband or my kids. Keyboard warriors crack me up!
[advertising agencies]: Sex sells. I wish I remembered the company but the other week, there was an attractive woman in her undies and the tagline was something along the lines of ‘everyone gets in’ whilst she’s laying on her side with her legs spread eagle. Chicago advertising cracks me up!
This last year of ‘be mode’. I’ve had more people ask who is financially supporting my lady of leisure lifestyle than people asking for my secrets for success. Very interesting. I’m unclear as to why the obsession with living a convential life. I miss my group of friends in Asia. The focus was on relationships, not partners/kids. The focus was on achieving goals and supporting one another, not judging for living differently.
Interesting times when ‘no’ means anything other than ‘no’ and one has to threaten a venereal disease to get people to respect personal space. Perhaps this means I still have work to do on building a quality network of people… The journey continues.
#WhyIwrite #MentalHealth #MentalWellness #Humanity #Boundaries #Relationships