Day 29. Freewriting.
Thinking about mental wellness. I’ve shifted my thinking on mental wellness.
The difference between ill to well is going from I to WE… takes a village.
Whether I am bipolar or not is kind of irrelevant. Whether I have anger issues is also irrelevant. So what if I wear my heart on my sleeve? I don’t think I’ve ever physically hurt anyone… my weapon of choice is my words. No houses have been set on fire or bodies went missing. I’m fairly certain that I’m well within my limits of crazy. Kind of. And even if I’m not, who cares?
I am thinking about intention. I know for a fact that a person that calls me insincere, bipolar, having anger issues, or crazy is intending to hurt me. They know that I’m overly sensitive about my emotional processing. On one side, I think that it’s my duty to share all hues of my emotions. On the other, I don’t want to give others the satisfaction of knowing they got under my skin. Why do their words get under my skin? It’s not so much the words themselves as the intention. One of the pitfalls of living by your intuition is that you just know. As I make the shift from listening to my intuition to following my heart, I keep finding the truth. The truth in friends that spew venom rather than support. Friends that assume that I’ll always show up without putting in the effort for our friendship. Friends that are secretly jealous that I cannot be broken. My life is not perfect but I try my best to find joy every single day. It’s hard work but I personally think it’s paid off. Massively.
I know that I’m a ‘hot mess’ when it comes to my emotions. I use the moniker ‘hot-mess’ in jest. If I love someone, I tell them. If I don’t like something, I speak up. If I miss someone, I tell them. My life is pretty simple when it comes to my heart. Aside from the fact that I keep engaging with cloudy intentioned people. I am convinced that when I think I’ve healed from a hurt, I’m completely lying to myself. I think this way only because the Universe keeps giving me the SAME lesson. So I have no choice but to reflect… what am I missing. Maybe striving for joy is surface level. Maybe my hurt runs deep. So this month of unapologetically accepting all the various forms of hurt, pain, empowerment, joy… or whatever comes up has been interesting. A month ago, I would apologize for crying. Then slowly, I laughed and said that I’m a pretty crier (before anyone could judge me). Now, I just sit and say that I’m having a wave. It’s not good or bad, it just is… I try my best not to attach labels or specific emotions to the wave because it’s far too beautiful. Words couldn’t do justice to the wave that engulfs me. It’s not overwhelming, it’s amazing. It’s like watching a movie in slow-motion. I observe different things happening to my body. I observe the thoughts racing through my mind. I take a deep breath. I just observe.
Granted, observing when meditating is kind of easy because I’m telling people that I’m meditating. Observing is also easy when I’m training (triathlon) because I’m moving. I can see physical improvements in myself to support processing. It’s been really interesting to figure out how to quantify progress on be mode. I opted for the morning freewriting/purge because I wanted to uncover the softest of the soft. The deepest of the deep. I also wanted to prove to myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing all these feelings. For the people that sent emails in the first week condemning me. At first, I was almost silenced but then I found the humanity in their fear. I was not about to allow their fear cast a shadow over my light. My writing is messy. It’s disconnected. It’s full of repeated themes. But it’s mine. All mine.
My heart goes out to any critics. I know they are not criticising me for me, but because I’m a manifestation of what they wish they were. Just like in my journey to Ironman, some of the loudest people telling me that I shouldn’t lift weights are the same people that were too afraid to race the same distance I was training for. I might not be perfect but I have a spotless track record of knowing what my mind, body, and soul needs. I knew that I needed to lift weights for injury prevention. I also knew that it would help me on race day. Sure enough, I crushed my race with 12 hours 18 minutes. The critics, still have NOT completed my distance. Funny how they became quiet once I showed them my finisher medal. No judgment, just an observation.
I finished my first book (consolidated letters of gratitude) but haven’t published it. The masterpiece that I’m really excited about is my current book project (alignment). I’m exploring how I have reached success with different processing/coping methods. Running has been a trusted friend. Meditation has also saved me. Writing… this experiment has allowed me to reach new depths. Sometimes when I’m having a wave, I’ll grab my computer and just write until I need a nap. I think that’s why I was able to push out over 250k words this month… and counting. That’s an insane amount of writing. Not all of it will be shared. I’ll re-read and revise. I haven’t figured out the format of my book but I know that I’ll celebrate differences and draw comparisons between Ironman, Vipassana, and writing a book. Journaling is different. Writing a book is the sweet spot of accountability. It’s the finish line for this chapter of my journey; a new processing tool.
I have decided that ‘coping-mechanism’ is when I view myself as a victim. ‘Processing’ is more empowered. I no longer have coping-mechanisms. I have tools to process.
Process. Purify. Project.
Projection is OK as long as I’m projecting positive vibes. It’s time to bring people into my light. My world is pretty amazing and I’m finally finding the strength in sharing my softer side. My emotions are beautiful. I’m not a machine. I have feelings too. I laugh. I cry. I fall into the rabbit hole… I’m human.
When I signed up for Ironman, I didn’t own a bike or know how to swim. I embraced the process. I crushed my goal. This current goal is similar. When I started telling people that I’m writing a book, I didn’t have a voice, know how to share my story, or really understand some of my emotions. I have felt like more of a failure than not, but I’m learning how to embrace the process. Just like all other goals, I will crush this one as well.
Sometimes I love my unwillingness to give up.
#WhyIWrite #MentalHealth #MentalWellness #SelfImprovement #Love #JourneyToPeace