Day 26. Freewriting.
I’m not even going to lie. This month has been super challenging. Welcoming my softer emotions is new territory. My typical way of dealing with pain (hurt) is to block all ways of contact. Part is because seeing the person that hurt me is unbearable. Part is because I don’t trust myself. My biggest fear is saying something in an emotional state. When I was 18 years old, I said something to my dad that I still regret. I’ve never been forgiven.
Background: I had been consistently dating the same guy during highschool. Families all knew one another. Looking back, it was puppy love but at the time, he was my everything. He was my highschool sweetheart. Anyways, a small group of us were organizing plans for senior prom. Despite having a readymade solution for all parental concerns, I was told NO. No reason other than “because I said so.” so within seconds I took inventory. Adult Chaperones. Check. No booze. Check. Segregated sleeping quarters for boys and girls. Check. Outdoor (and public) activities the following day. Check. Addresses and names of adult chaperones. Check. Everything was sorted. What did I miss?! I came up short. I asked again and was denied. I should have been grateful for an answer as most of the time, decisions weren’t given. But within seconds… the last decision [for me] was what to blurt out.”Don’t worry dad, I’m not a virgin” or “I’ll just ask mom, she makes the decisions anyways.”
I thought I picked the lesser of two evils but I put myself in a lose-lose situation. I attacked his parenting and have paid a heavy price ever since. I’ve not been forgiven for that outburst. It still comes back during arguments. Such is life.
My parents raised me to basically be a lawyer. Nothing was given, everything earned. More or less, a presentation needed to be given for ANYTHING to take place.
Problem: I want to get my ears pierced in 2nd grade. Solution: I had to write a 2-page essay on the difference between want vs need.
Problem: Apply to private colleges. Solution: Outline how private school offers better opportunities vs state school (specific to my path and my 3, 5, and 10-year goals).
Problem: Attend a private college. Solution: Good grades, out of trouble, promised focus. Get scholarship.
Problem: Paying tuition for private college (junior year funds were tight). Solution: I offered to start stripping across the state line but secured a job at Walmart instead.
Problem: Trimester study abroad programme. Solution: Promised to have a job post-graduation.
Nothing was given. Everything had to have a case. Everything was earned. I am the eldest so had to come up with solutions for everything. I guess that’s part of the reason why I skipped town after graduation. Within 2 weeks of finishing college, I was on a plane to Hong Kong. Granted, I’ve created a nice life for myself. I’ve created it. I did it.
My parents prepared me well. Lots of arguments to prepare me for life abroad!
Part of my inability to let go is people holding themselves accountable. I have apologized and improved myself when I have outbursts. I wish other people owned up to their shortcomings rather than just lash out at me.
Words are strange. Some things stick with me and other things get parked in a deep part of my brain. They surface at the most awkward times.
When I ask questions, I’m not judging you. I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to find another depth of you. I’m trying to deepen our relationship. I’m not judging. I wish that you understood my intention. I wish that you had consistency as well. It’s difficult to decipher if you are losing your mind or just scared. Is the procrastination because you don’t want to do something or because your mind is failing?
My heart breaks each time that you forget that I’m always in your corner. Always have and always will be. You drive me looney tunes but everything is with love. I’m trying to understand but it’s nearly impossible when you shut me out. The waves are beautiful but I need help understanding…
#WhyIWrite #MentalHealth #MentalWellness #SelfImprovement #Love #JourneyToPeace