22. Freewriting. My body is having reactions and my mind hasn’t figured out why… yet. My sleep has been erratic the last 3 nights. My mind is clear. My tolerance is non-existent. I’m biting back to others. I cannot figure out why. What is the shadow emotion that is trying to come out…?
***
It’s infuriating that you can see the abuse in others but you cannot it happening to me. You hide behind ‘well, if they were being manipulated then it’s understandable’. The answer is NO. You are an adult. You are responsible to be in control of yourself. Not saying it’s OK to behave in a certain way and the excuse was ‘I was being manipulated’. I call bullshit. So now is the time to snap you back into reality. If I ask that something is done, I have my reasons. If I need to explain my reasoning, that’s my choice. If you cannot respect my wishes, I make life super easy and remove myself from your world. Very black and white. I don’t ask for much so when I do, you will jump through my hoops and follow instructions. Without deviation. For me, it’s a matter of respect. It’s a matter of life or death. I’ve done far too much work on myself to allow Fuckery back in. Regardless of how important you think you are. I’ve made allowances for YEARS at the cost of my wellbeing. The question is simple, am I enough to respect a single wish? If no, then why are you surprised when I walk away? If the question is, am I worthy of protecting? If the answer is no, then why must I stick around? Everytime that you ignore my wish, I might as well put a loaded gun in your hand and ask you to pull the trigger. It’s the same thing. You are more concerned with pleasing my abusers than you are with protecting the abused.
I wish you could apply the same logic to my situation that you so effortlessly apply to others. You are smart. Be better than talking about people. You have enough hobbies to discuss something interesting. My wellbeing or intel to my abusers shouldn’t be an option. If they are so interested, they can reach out directly. Adulting 101.
But then again, you might as well just pull the trigger yourself. And asking that people go direct is clearly being dramatic, controlling and having impossible expectations. A mental wellness check is kind of difficult when it seems that I’m the only one making sense.
***
3 days ago, my body started having reactions. Subtle and then things got more intense. My legs started itching. I have hives on my butt and core. My body temp dropped and I cannot seem to get warmth in my extremities. My sleep was interrupted, active dreams of being attacked. Super sensitive to acidic fruits, my tongue feels like someone took sandpaper to it. basically, my body knew something was up 3 days before my mind caught up. And now I know why… my gut is questioning your loyalty. With the holidays coming up, I will be expected to put my emotions on the side and deal with whatever Fuckery is doled out. It will be my fault if others don’t want to come by the house because I hold people accountable. Being ‘family’ doesn’t give you a pass on being a complete dickhead…or worse off causing emotional or mental damage. So perhaps this is the time to just let rip. Most of the dysfunction in my life carries the same DNA. Most, not all, but most.
I spent 7 years putting myself in a position to literally offer someone the world. When the time came, I was able to offer to buy a house, galavant around the world, anything and everything. And how am I appreciated? I’m guilted for defending myself. Oh, how I wish that I had family that protected me from, well, family. My family died in 2012. That was the LAST time I felt safe. Now I’m greeted with excuses of ‘Live and Let Live’ or ‘I said no fighting’ or ‘Because of you…’ I still remember being told that I ruined Christmas in 2004. Ironically enough, that’s the same year that I was arrested for calling the police on domestic abuse? You are right, my existence is a burden. It’s troublesome. I should look into that. Question, who collected me from the police department? It wasn’t family, I’ll tell you that much. So that wound isn’t healed. I’m not sure I want to heal that wound. I was betrayed then and it’s a sore spot every time that I have to question your loyalty. Apologising is part of the healing but ownership of the situation and awareness to not repeat is what it takes to stay in my world. Betrayal is an emotion that I wish I didn’t know so well.
But then again, voicing my feelings on the matter means that I’m ungrateful and unappreciative. Time and place Jess. Time and place. Your feelings are clearly more important than my wellbeing. Clearly. My tolerance of Fuckery should be better. It’s ‘normal’ that my most efficient operating state is adrenaline. It’s ‘normal’ that my default emotion is anger. It’s ‘normal’ that my forgiveness factor is 100%.
I wish that you could apply the same logic to my situation that you so effortlessly apply to others. But then again, application to my situation means you have to accept reality on the real monsters in the world. That truth is not accepted and it just might cost me my life. I’ll continue to play rush and roulette because of your unwillingness to accept reality (yes, my words are intentional. I do NOT mince my words, it’s your choice). Your unwillingness to accept reality will most likely cost me my life. I hope you are ready to read my eulogy. Nevermind, I already sorted that out. I know who will speak at my funeral.
Wrong. That’s not normal. That’s not acceptable. That’s not going to make the cut.
To soften the blow for others, I tell people that I am traveling. It’s easier than to say I have ZERO interest in seeing the certifiable. Nothing positive comes out of seeing certain people. They are not value added. They drive other people crazy. They bring dirt into my world. They are soulless.
My head hurts. Frontal lobe. That means shit is about to hit the fan. I can basically write the script. This is a time that I don’t want to know everything. I’d happily welcome “jess, you are wrong’ but I know I’m not. Such a sick feeling to know and have to wait. There is no escaping the inevitable…
A benefit of being a lady of leisure. I’m jumping back into bed. I’m going to sleep this one off. I’ll rejoin the world when my heart starts beating again.
Betrayal is such an ugly friend.
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