Day 19. Freewriting. I literally have nothing on my mind. Nothing that inspires me to share my words. So I’m just going to start typing until something comes to mind. I’ll do my best not to hang onto the words and just allow them to flow.
I think that having a blank mind is curious. Is it because I’ve hit a part that scares me to talk about or have I really found that place of being in the present. Typically my morning rambles are getting something off my chest from the past or worrying about something in the future. I know that I have a few things buried deep and they come up throughout the day. However, the morning thought is usually the one that shapes my day…
Family has been a huge cloud for me. Between being told, ‘you’re not going to succeed,’ ‘you are the catalyst for drama,’ and ‘you don’t respect your elders’ all the way to the other side of ‘thanks for making us proud,’ ‘you are always in my corner,’ and ‘when are you going to move back and spend time with the family.’ I am still very defensive when it comes to family and dancing that line of fighting my own battles and defending others is a tricky position. When all else fails, I prefer to just offer plane tickets. That’s not the most sustainable solution but it beats the heck out of being at ground zero.
I better mind my p’s and q’s. No one wants to air dirty laundry even if it’s part of a healing mission. I’m a machine remember? I’m not allowed feelings or to have the occasional emotional outburst. It’s comical to me that my image of myself is not the same as a majority of the people I interact with. Most of the time, I think that I’m like a bottle of soda that has been shaken… the top is loosely screwed on and a slight move will cause a messy explosion. I haven’t been complimented on my passion or my aggression in a hot minute so perhaps my poker face is in check. Or perhaps I’m just really good at compartmentalising. I am actually pretty good at that. There is always a time and a place to let my hair down and in the public eye is NOT that place. I still haven’t figured out when is the perfect time.
Everything is mindset. I can credit everything to pretty girl problems. If pretty girls were honest with the amount of Fuckery in the world… your head would spin. A few days ago I wrote about my interactions with prostitutes. I tip my hat to their ability to compartmentalize. Or just flat out protect themselves. Depends on the lens.
Nine times out of ten, I laugh when people are playing games. Usually, I can sniff it out. That’s only because I used to play a game “I’m going to figure out your angle before you dick me over” and everyone loves a good challenge. Of course, this game was in my head, not verbalized to my constantly changing opponent. My abilities to zoom in and out from big picture to small details AND be about 30 steps ahead is all thanks to about 33 years of walking on eggshells. Plan for the worst and hope for the best was a lifeline for 13 years. I’m conditioned to apologize on a few levels. Apologies mean that you respect the relationship over ego (and no one likes a know it all ego maniac). Apologies also are the fastest way to diffuse a situation. My experience, apologies mean that abuse is accepted and new levels of ‘norm’ are established.
I digress. Back to the game of figure out the angle.
Being open and protected but mostly open is a very rare skill. My secret, view everything as a game and my heart is the weakness. So as long as my heart isn’t involved, I’m always going to win. Knowing this was SUPER helpful to climb ladders in the corporate space but my failure as a small business owner. Everyone preaches about FIND YOUR PASSION. DO WHAT YOU LOVE. blah blah blah. But they forget to tell you that you need a ying to the yang. My oversight and a hard lesson learned. I was PHENOMENAL at starting conversations and connecting people. I sucked monkey balls at getting people to pay me. I needed a pitbull for that position. Funny how I was the pitbull in most of my corporate roles. My missing link for my business was actually one of my strength just a few years before. I cannot help but link the level of tolerance to abuse. It’s all connected really. I’m not blaming any abusers or clients. It was my decision to allow things to happen. My point is having the awareness. It’s only by having an awareness that one can implement change.
I still struggle with setting boundaries. I prefer life in a bubble of people in constant give mode. I lived in give mode (continuously) for 2 years. Have you ever had that luxury? To live with someone that fully supported every.single.decision even if they didn’t fully understand what you were doing? I have and it’s pretty freaking magical. My flatmate in Singapore reminded me what it feels like to have a family. I wrote him a letter of gratitude telling him that the last time I felt family was 2012. That’s the year I lost Lemonhead (my grandfather). My 2 grandfathers were the ones that were supportive of anything that puts a smile on my face and willing to start a war for anyone silly enough to turn my smile into a frown. To me, that’s family. Family reacts first and then asks questions later. Words are to build. Hugs replace words. Food brings people together. I’m magical. My flatmate reminded me of that… and leaving his house for the USA was NOT an easy decision. It’s really sweet when I think about it. His response to my letter of gratitude nearly made my heart explode. One of the comments was ‘you made my house our home and my dusty kitchen into a real cooking kitchen with all those healthy and yet yummy meals.’ That’s love. He was also one of the 5 people I turned to with a broken heart. Without hesitation, he offered a safe place to heal. Only happy people can make offers like that. I think that happiness and being a giver are closely related. And both are connected to mindset. MINDSET is everything.
Nothing is permanent. Nothing is fatal. Except, trying to stay sane when surrounded by mentally unwell people. That’s just too giving. I need to implement boundaries when around takers. Wouldn’t the world be magical if people took personal responsibility to find their own happiness. Happiness isn’t within another person (that’s an impossible ask). Happiness is an inside job and if everyone found their happiness, then I’m convinced they’d stop trying to take it away from others.
I’m still toxic. I’m re-wiring my mind and trying hard to be gentle with myself. Healing is easy when surrounded by givers. They remind me how to love others and be gentle with myself.
Self-love is a daily habit. Just like showering or brushing teeth (for a majority of the world at least), it needs to be done regularly. Part of mental or emotional abuse is losing yourself to please another. When my cup is filled, I’m unbreakable. When my cup is filled, I’m the champion of the game ‘Figure out your angle…’. When my cup is filled, I can navigate these waters with great ease.
To think that 43 minutes ago, I woke up with a clear head. 1284 words later, I’ve uncovered another layer…
#WhyIwrite #MentalWellness #Rewiring #Narcissism #Abuse #NarcissisticAbuse #Healing #JourneyToPeace