Day 18. Freewriting. Energy levels are off the charts. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been fasting or because I’ve literally locked myself in a room with minimal contact with others. I’m doing a reiki course and they give a heads up that the next few days (perhaps even months) will be more emotional than normal. I’ve been trying to be ultra aware of my self since opening that box…
Being in DO MODE is my comfort zone. Nothing is permanent. Everything is a learning curve. This year, I’ve made it about 5 months in BE MODE. I’ve realized that things just seem more final. The concept that things are constantly changing doesn’t always exist for me in BE MODE. It’s strange. Fundamentally, I know that emotions are fleeting. Difficult times make you stronger. Horrible people make for great stories (experience is the BEST teacher). But for some reason, the insults cut deeper. The lack of awareness seems intentional. And the waves are in slow motion. Maybe it’s a control thing. When I’m in BE MODE, I’m constantly distracting myself or actively processing. Observing the processing is not an easy task. At times, it’s overwhelming. I don’t get overwhelmed often…
Today is the huge burst of energy that I’ve missed. Typically this level is achieved after a good workout (thank you, Ironman) or 10 days of silence (thank you, Vipassana)… and on the rare occasion after a multi-hour purge of unconscious flow (thank you, diary). I can feel the energy is in every inch of my being. My posture is straighter. My stomach is clear. Heck, bowel movements are within hours after consuming food. Pretty freaking amazing. Yes, my life is one giant science experiment.
The last time I attempted BE MODE, I was in 2014. I made it 10 months before literally driving myself nuts. I allowed the wrong people into my space, got distracted… basically lost me. Granted, it’s kind of difficult to set a goal to be in BE MODE. I’ve never set a goal like that… hence why I’ve dedicated the NaNoWriMo to share my freeflow morning purge. Part to prove to myself that I’m not complete looney tunes and part to encourage that I am.
I read a lot. More than most and every once in a while, a sentence will resonate and stick with me for a few days. This time it was a poem. I’m taking notice of poets that express duality… this specific poem looked at WILD vs CRAZY. I’ll share the poem in the comments. (I need to dig it up from Instagram). Basically, I need to reframe the way I speak about myself. When people called me sexy, I would snap back with I’m STRONG, not Sexy. When people called me aggressive, I would snap back with I’m PASSIONATE, not aggressive. Now… when people call me crazy, I’m going to snap back with I’M WILD, not crazy.
I struggled to find a different perspective to crazypants. Heck my writing specific IG is literally called UNVEILTHECRAZY. I didn’t want to embrace that title. Not because of society attachments but because the title Crazy just doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve been sitting with the title WILD for about 18 hours (12 of which I was sleeping). At any rate, I like the poet’s comparison. I forget the specific words but the feeling I took from her words was that WILD was intentional and self-aware whereas CRAZY is unintentional and lacking awareness. I think my lens is altering the intended perspective but that’s how I interpret the poem. It’s perfectly OK to have one meaning for the poet and another meaning for me. Actually, I think that’s a sign of a GREAT writer. To capture an emotion that can easily be applied to numerous situations.
Sports: I’m not sexy, I’m STRONG
Profession: I’m not aggressive, I’m PASSIONATE
Emotional: I’m not crazy, I’m WILD.
Being present is intimidating to others. I know this and it doesn’t bother me in the least. I lose my phone at least once a day. It’s no longer an appendage. It’s a tool to connect with people. I’m still learning that not every message deserves a response. I’m also very mindful of mindless chatter on WhatsApp. I don’t make myself very accessible – part is self-preservation and part is because if I cannot feel a clear vibe, then the answer is no. Took a few weeks to accept that. I was feeling kind of guilty and borderline elitist for a hot minute. I just have to remind myself that there are a LOT of people that want to know but not many need to know. I’m in a very good place and my Guardian Angels know it was NOT easy to get back here… I’m not so inclined to let people walk into my house with dirty shoes!
Feeling empowered. Feeling at peace. Feeling loved.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Wild #Strong #Passionate #nanowrimo #NarcissistAbuse #Healing #JourneyToPeace