Day 14. Freewriting. Fierce love. Unwavering acceptance. Bright light. <- these are the qualifications to be in my circle. Feeling very empowered this morning…
A few weeks ago, I was thinking about towing the line of love. Am I being judgemental for removing people from my life that don’t add value? Value is a debatable term as I personally think everyone is a teacher of some sort. The most difficult people are the best teachers and the critics help expose weaknesses in my armour. But when healing from narcissist abuse, this line needs to be re-evaluated A LOT.
One of the biggest criticisms from my abuser invalidates my ability to own my feelings. The last few months, I’ve really had to re-evaluate whom I was allowing into my space. A few of the people I’ve removed have visited me in my dreams. Perhaps that’s their way of apologizing for being rude. But keeping the focus on me, they are not what I need at this moment in time. Seems ironic that a seemingly well-balanced and wildly successful woman (me) has issues with boundaries. I mean, achieving success with all the noise is a rare thing. I guess it’s because, despite the noise, I always focused on my inner voice and then the small handful of well-wishers that echoed my sentiments. The people that know my soul before I did. The heroes. My heroes!
I have the patience of a saint. Seriously. I am also human and have my limits. When in the fog, I cannot tell the difference between words and actions. I simply believe the words and ignore the actions. I justify the actions as being misunderstandings. Yes, I project my rose coloured lens onto others. I lie to myself that of course, it’s just a misunderstanding, I live with integrity. Everyone else has the same purity of intentions, right? I can be understanding. I am patient. So it’s just a matter of time to determine if the misalignment of others is an accident or if it’s a character trait. I give people 3 weeks to show their true selves. It’s not like I have a calendar to keep track… Remember, I live on autopilot and only recently looking back to deconstruct my behaviour. My quirks. Are you repeating the same thing… this is a character trait. Do I accept or thank you and move along?
Celebrating my resilience. The 3 most difficult times in my life and how I handled it…
2009 – I had a family member put a loaded gun in my face. It was loaded. The metal was touching my cheek. I could literally feel my heart skip a beat. I was convinced it wasn’t just a scare tactic, this was the end. My end. A betrayal like no other. The worst betrayal. RESILIENCE: I got back on my plane and used it to fuel my financial goal. I blocked out the noise and became SUPER focused. I achieved my professional goal 2 years later. Through grit and creating value, I climbed from being a team player for a single business to being a team player in the company. I was named #13 in a Fortune 500 company. Corporate Affairs for 38 businesses across 140 locations. On a personal level, I got more intense. I was present. It’s important to always be in the present moment. I also started my practice of gratitude.
2012 – I lost my last hero. 2009 was tough because I lost my grandfather. I was OK because I still had my other Grandfather. At the end of the day, both Grandfathers were the ONLY unwavering heroes in my life. It didn’t matter what was happening in the world, they ALWAYS accepted my phone call and asked for the names/address of whoever caused me pain. They solved my problems without having to lift a finger. They were present and gave me a burst of love when I needed it most. 2012, I lost my other hero. I realised I was alone. All alone in the world. I lost my heroes. No one to unquestionably be in MY corner. Without question. Without hesitation. I was to fight the war, alone. RESILIENCE: This was a super difficult hole to fill. I focused more on cultivating better friendships. Up until that point, I was passively supportive. I didn’t share my story with many. 2012 was when I became more active. I made scrapbooks for people I considered family. I made sure to attend events of others, not just send well wishes. I even travelled to visit friends (I guess it’s making up for missing weddings etc). Priorities shifted from family-centric to me-centric. Making myself vulnerable was only to a select few. I let people in s l o wl y .
2014 – I didn’t set a goal. I allowed myself to get overwhelmed because, for the first time in my life, I didn’t have a [stretch] goal to focus on. I ignored my intuition (allowed the wrong people into my space). I forgot about self-love (became a people pleaser). I didn’t have boundaries (low self-esteem). RESILIENCE: I realized the importance of the company I keep. I learned the power of saying NO. I introduced [vipassana] meditation into my world.
I’m sure there are people that are saddened by the fact their fuckery didn’t make my top 3 list! hahaha. They didn’t realize whom they were dealing with. Takes A LOT to push me off balance. Currently, I feel broken. Being resilient during the storm is easy. It’s a matter of focusing my energy on the things I have control over. I never sat in one place for too long. I wasn’t confrontational. I was on autopilot. It was simple, as much as it could be simple. I didn’t feel the need to explain anything. I was unapologetic. Currently, I’m in a tug of war. I dealt with the pain with coping mechanisms (survival if you will) and this chapter is to deconstruct my coping mechanisms. Understand WHY I did what I did. To do this, I have to revisit the pain. I have to work on my emotional resilience. Soon, I will believe that I am stronger, emotionally, than I give myself credit. Today, I still have a tug of war of feeling broken and feeling resilient.
I will NOT be broken during this process. Sharing my story is empowering. Deconstructing is empowering. I will come out of this storm stronger.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #Abuse #Healing #Goals #Resilience #Wildebeest #Growth