Day 3. Freewriting. The word that keeps coming up is APATHY. The question in the back of my mind is WHO HURT YOU (thank you, Dustin Hoffman, in Runaway Jury).
I fell asleep relatively early but woke up in the middle of the night due to a snuggling puppy. He knows something is up but not sure what. I know he doesn’t like Bruce even though they haven’t met yet. Perhaps he knows that I’m going to be spending the day in close(ish) proximity to a recently identified abuser. Perhaps he knows that I am still processing emotions (I’m dealing with guilt ATM). Perhaps he’s unsure of my self-control to bite my tongue/let it go (for me being defensive is highlighting my insecurity and being aggressive shows my anger). Either way, my puppy is filling up my cup of love just in case. Dogs are such amazing creatures. I am starting to prefer them to people.
Of all the abusers or history of dysfunction, dealing with blood-related people have provided the best lessons. A few months ago, I told a handful of abusers that future emails would be sent to an unidentified group of people. I was done suffering in silence and any continued conversations would be automatically forwarded to a group of friends. I also added that if anything happened to me that I took comfort knowing that the truth was [finally] in the open. Of course, the response was projection and gaslighting. I love it when my family tries to rewrite history. It shows their creative side and also sheds light to my burning question of WHO HURT YOU (the answers of why they are hurting is easily found in their reaction).
The interesting thing about mental abuse is the ping pong (or yo-yo) game that is played. The abusers are happiest during mass confusion. Direct conversations don’t exist. Forget about personal accountability. Seeking validation is a fairy tale. Trying to set healthy boundaries to support the healing journey makes me a “control freak”. If ‘jumping to conclusions’ was an Olympic event, my family would win the Gold. So true yet so sad – to be honest, it’s heartbreaking to re-read that last sentence.
I know my abusers read my blog. Most of them at least. To be fair, I’d be interested in my blog too. I’m super fascinating. If I were them, I’d be concerned about my emails/words being shared. Personally, I tend to take the path of holding people accountable behind closed doors but I’m very much on the fence in doing so in public as it wouldn’t be useful in this chapter of my journey. That said, the attractive part of outlining some of the fuckery is sending a VERY loud message to future abusers that I’m not playing around. I’m still in autopilot mode so I need to give some time to properly associate the form of abuse and the building block I turned it into. The first example, narcissists like to keep you on your toes, anything is possible and things constantly change. It’s almost artistic how quickly something can be turned to be about them. The only rule is there are no rules. This type of abuse has helped me be a phenomenal Event Manager (Thank you, narcissists, you gave me the skills needed to operate 10-11 events/month for YEARS without breaking a sweat). Leave.nothing.to.chance. Most.issues.can.be.prevented. Relationships.and.confidence.are.essential.for.success.
Abuse offers amazing lessons. The trick is to get over the emotional attachment and the WTF is wrong with you mentality to find that silver lining. It’s really a tough call on HOW to talk about abuse. I think that’s WHY I settled on focusing on MENTAL WELLNESS. I forgive myself when I slip. This is, after all, a freewriting experiment. I give myself 30 days to just write whatever is on my mind. If I want to divulge specifics about my abuse, right on girlfriend. If I want to share lessons learned, even better. I will NOT be judging myself on the contents of my freewriting. It’s my get-out-of-jail-pass. It’s also justifiable in my head that if people wanted me to paint a prettier picture of them, then they should have treated me better. hahahahahaha. How freaking true are those words. I believe that people can change. I believe that all problems have a solution. Lucky for them, I view them as completely unreasonable so it’s simply not worth the energy to engage. I do need to clear up this funky juju because I’m over dealing with similar situations. It seems silly that I still allow space in my head but some are family. What does that word actually mean? Family.
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Knowing myself is literally the ONLY reason why I am still breathing. Knowing my limits and what makes me tick, has been my saving grace. I think that my abuse (mainly emotional/mental) lasted about 13 years but if I’m being honest, it was MUCH longer. I was just ignorant of it. Ignorance is bliss but then again, perhaps I was a stronger shorty by not allowing any of the fuckery into my spiritual space. I was too busy building to fully comprehend what was happening. This year is different. This year is dedicated to processing all those emotions et al in an effort to once and for all stop the cycle. My life is all about breaking cycles.
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WHO HURT ME
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The people (by society standards) that are supposed to protect me have literally done the exact opposite. My failure to properly deal with my ‘daddy issues’ has put me in some compromising situations. Needless to say that I’m off dating until these issues are fully resolved. Did I mention that I accepted an engagement ring from a guy who “didn’t know” the difference between chicken pox and herpes? With cervical cancer running in my family, exposing me to this is basically a death sentence. Good thing he was ‘transparent’ about his health and has a sister to prescribe him various pills without doctor supervision. That’s totally ‘normal’ and NOT criminal in any sense of a legal or MORAL context. WTF is wrong with people?! Focus on my blessings… I’m blessed that I didn’t catch anything and I’m not carrying the spawn of Satan. Lesson learned is either celibacy or group doctor visits before any bodily fluids are exchanged. Did I mention that my first 2 mentors (Aussie Tax guru and English Lawyer) both treated me like a hooker at the start of my career, one tried to stick his hand up my dress at lunch and the other tried to pull a Pretty Woman type scandal. Super classy guys. But I guess I cannot fault them for trying. I will give them credit that they stopped the fuckery once I set firm boundaries, for the most part. Blessed to have the opportunity to see this early on in my career. Lesson learned is cultivating female mentors AND to be mindful of exchanges with members of the opposite sex.
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Change of pace… I get really sad and overwhelmed thinking about the people that have consistently wronged me. For every PITA, there have been 2-3 amazing angels on Earth. I much prefer to cultivate a world of helpers. However, the fact that I keep attracting the takers gives me pause to increase my inner work. One school of thought is that I’m an empath. This is true in regards that I do enjoy helping others, I want to stop their suffering. Another school of thought is that I have poor boundary setting. This is also true in regards that I think of others before myself and need to strengthen my muscle of self love before all. My personal view is that I just need to stop processing things to convert into good. Just sit in the muck and try my best to not give a fu@k. Not everyone deserves to be believed in. Some people are just beyond help. It’s not my job to help them or be a voice of comfort. I hope to change that view by the end of the year. Is being apathetic to humanity the same as being negative? Does that mean I have a negative mindset…? Will the helpers outnumber the abusers? sooner than later? If everyone was honest with themselves and worked on their own mental wellness then society would drastically improve…
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The better question, WHO HELPED ME