#WhyIWrite

Building Block: WRITING

I’ve been journaling for over a decade. I’ve had penpals around the world for nearly 2 decades. I still send annual updates (my version of a Christmas card) to a select few. I find that writing has become a more important part of my life in the last year…

About a year ago, I started a journey to share my writing. About a year ago, I took a stand to share the softer parts of me. About a year ago, I decided to process any hurt that was cameflouged as anger. About a year ago, I realized the importance of constantly reinforcing boundaries with others. About a year ago I decided to love myself before anyone else.

During my process of writing to heal, I started a blog with 3 sections: Letters of gratitude, Unpublished love letters, and Rambles. Each type of writing is very different. Letters of gratitude are focused (and promoting) the positive side of humanity. Unpublished love letters were processing my hurt and finding the silver lining in a heartbreaking situation. Rambles were free writing where I found themes of things that my subconscious found important. I enjoy writing, all forms.

One of the things that I noticed through this last year of writing is that the opinions of others affect me more than it should. I realized that I had more critics rather than supporters. I also noticed the subtle differences in things like anger vs hurt, aggression vs assertiveness, projection vs gaslighting and my longstanding weakness: do-mode vs be-mode.

I never once claimed to be perfect but apparently, a few circles I was running in expected as much from me. I wasn’t allowed to tell people when they were being hurtful. I wasn’t allowed to outline when the behaviour was dangerous. I wasn’t allowed to share my feelings or set boundaries without pushback of being called mentally unstable, bi-polar or having a negative mindset. It took me a hot minute to realize these comments had zero to do with me, but remember to always consider the source. These criticisms are simply projections. But that process also had 3 parts: self-reflection on the criticism, external validation of the criticism, and then fix me if there was validity in the criticism. I spent the better part of 20 years so incredibly focused on my goals that I couldn’t see all the toxic relationships for what they really were. 1998-2002 was focused on running and getting into college, 2002-2006 was focused on running and getting to Asia. 2006-2013 was keeping a promise I made to my mommabear (financial stability). 2013-2014 was helping mommabear through the divorce. 2015-2016 was healing with dad via Ironman. 2016-present… is doing things for me. It’s been my time to figure out what makes me come alive and do so much of it that it’s a full-time job.

To be honest, I view my life as one giant experiment. This allows me to be in a constant state of MAGIC! It is not good or bad. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is fatal. This current chapter allows me to be perfectly imperfect and process emotions in a completely raw and vulnerable state. There are zero comforts to hide behind. I threw myself into the Lion’s Den. My challenge is to talk about the storm whilst being IN the storm!

#NatNoWriMo #WhyIWrite #Vunerable #Healing #NPD #Abuse #Mindfulness #MentalWellness #BeMode #Light #Love #Forgiveness #LetGo #SelfAwareness #SelfLove #JourneyToPeace #Alignment #KindnessMatters #DanceInTheRain #IAmTheStorm

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